Category: anger

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Blame

I have to admit it…being blaming for something is one of my least favorite things. I don’t like it when I AM the reason for something going wrong and get blamed, but I especially don’t like it when I am NOT the reason.

It seems so unfair, and it hurts. Partly I suppose because it damages my self-image.

And then there are the times I blame others.

One such instance happened recently. My wife and I were away and when we returned our driveway was full of snow. Okay, no problem, we’d just park in the road, I’d get the snowblower going and make quick work of clearing our driveway so we could park safely and unload our stuff.

The problem occurred in my very first pass down the driveway because underneath all of the snow was our newspaper which had been canceled while we were away. It wasn’t supposed to have been there. Naturally snowblowers and heavy newspapers do not get along. Before I could do anything, the newspaper was sucked into the snowblower and jammed beyond my ability to dislodge. Result = one useless snowblower and time to get some physical exercise shoveling.

My first reaction was yelling out loud. Not words exactly, but a lot of loud noise. This has happened before!

This reaction came with a great deal of blame. My wife had called the newspaper to cancel so they either didn’t cancel, or the newspaper carrier delivered one anyway. As far as I was concerned, the newspaper and carrier were both at fault.

And they were both the cause of several unfortunate results; having to shovel heavy wet snow, need to contact snowblower repair folks, cost of the repairs and length of time without it so that if it snows before I get it back, more shoveling for me. All because someone didn’t do their job.

I wanted to hold someone accountable. A part of me wanted them to have to pay for my inconvenience and the repair costs.

I confess it took a while for me to sit back far enough from the blaming to recognize what effect it was having on me. I was angry, frustrated and fuming, all things which prevented me from seeing clearly.

Once I gained a little distance, I saw how my upset was prolonging my negative feelings and delaying me from finding a resolution to the problem.

I had to stop and ask myself an important question. What if life is offering me something of benefit wrapped up in this problem? What if its value is far greater than the cost of the upset and the snowblower repair?

But what could that be?

I really had to work hard to shift my perspective. What made it possible for me was my ultimate belief that everything in my life actually ‘serves’ me in some way. Everything benefits me, no matter how it first appears. These ideas fueled my inner search.

I wondered, what if I accepted that sometimes things happen PERIOD. No one did it on purpose. No one was trying to harm or upset me. What if I just accepted that it happened and could be resolved? What if I did this quickly so that I avoided feeling angry and gave others the benefit of the doubt and didn’t blame them?

How would that change my world?

What if instead of blaming others I forgave them? How much would that save me from suffering? How much better would that be for my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing?

My answer is…it would fantastic. It would be an extraordinary decision.

I’m not saying that I’m adept at this yet. Clearly not. But what I did discover was that there is another way, a better way and hopefully I’ll choose that next time and save myself a whole lot of misery.

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Anger

What generates your anger? Is it fear, perhaps of some outcome you don’t want to experience?

This is certainly true for me, and I wonder what I can do about it. Are there ways for me to block it, dissipate it, resolve it, avoid it, or allow it to pass through and out of me?

It feels important to me to understand anger better, so that I can decide how to respond. What I’ve learned so far is that I have trigger points, easily recognizable events that signal my anger is rising. And I understand that I need to make a conscious decision as soon as I feel the first spark fly.

I cannot always do this. It would surely be nice, but I can’t so far and I realize I may need some help to get there.

I wonder, why do I want to express my anger? What do I get out of it? It might feel good temporarily, in the heat of the moment, but I’m reasonably sure that it will wear off and I’ll be left feeling badly, knowing I could have responded better.

So, I’m back to my original question of why I get so angry sometimes. I’ve certainly seen it modeled in my life and I have precious little exposure to anyone who doesn’t express anger in theirs.

There are some folks who have been so thoroughly trained not to show anger that they hold it deep inside themselves until it explodes, often without any warning. That must be an incredibly difficult way to live.

What I want is to be in the presence of someone who allows anger to pass right through them without holding onto any of it. I want to know that secret.

But, since I haven’t met anyone like that, I am choosing to walk another path, one that leads to Lia, the ethereal feminine voice of god that speaks to me and offers guidance and support.

I sit back, relax, breathe in and out slowly and prepare myself to listen. I ask for help and open space for Lia’s magnificence to make a divine connection.

As always, she comes to me, ready to invite me into her depth. Here are the words she spoke to me.

“Like all things born of fear, anger arrives to redirect you to the truth. It is another message, a way of showing you the path that leads to love.”

“Anger prompts you to pay close attention to your heart. To release what your mind suggests, and your ego tells you is important and encourages you to shift to your heart and your spirit.”

“You know this is the truth because you FEEL it and you KNOW it. It is not up to me to convince you of anything. I merely point out the path you say you most want, the one that leads to joy.”

“When anger arises in you or in reaction to another, decide what is important to you, releasing fear and embracing love. It really is that simple.”

“If you wish to be free, choose love.”

I tried to absorb all of what she told me. I sat and let it soak in, every bit of it and I wondered whether there was anything else she wanted to tell me. I quieted, waited, and asked Lia if there was something more it would be helpful for me to know.

“Yes, know that practice creates change and change creates new patterns. Choose the patterns that reveal love.”

I am so grateful to know there is hope for me and for you too, if you choose this path.

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Anger

I was sitting at my desk giving myself permission to follow any thought that came into my mind. I wasn’t reaching for a specific destination, just kind of waiting to see what would show up.

An image appeared. It was an old-fashioned typewriter, perhaps a Remington. For those unfamiliar with these, allow me to explain briefly. You have to insert a piece of paper, threading it carefully so that when you turn a knob, it the paper into view. Each time you hit the return arm, it advances the paper and returns its position to the far left. There are several rows of individual buttons with letters, numbers or characters and you have to depress them to print on the paper. As you depress a button a long metal arm raises up and strikes an inked cloth ribbon, which makes an impression on the piece of paper.

Using this kind of typewriter is more of an art than a science. If you happen to hit multiple buttons at the same time, the striker arms will lock together, forcing you to separate them and start over.

If you hit a wrong button, you have to correct your mistake, which would mean inserting a piece of ‘correct tape’ over the mistake and hitting the same button again to make the page white, ready for the correct letter.

Believe me, it was maddening if you were only a marginally capable typist like me. I remember needing quite a bit of correct type to fix my errors.

Recalling this, I discovered I was still in touch with how angry it sometimes made me.

The next image that came to me was somewhat bizarre. I imagined hitting a series of different buttons. Each time I hit a letter, I sensed a whole word appear and felt its depth.

H…helpless, F…frustrated, A…afraid, V…vulnerable, B…blamed, I…inconsiderate, D…danger.

What was happening? It took a moment to realize there was a pattern here. Each of these words represented a source of anger for me. I sat back to consider and saw more letters appear. I…insecure, O…oppressed, H…hopeless, M…mean, E…expectations.

Wow, the last one caught me off guard. It had more juice than the others. I wondered why?

To gain some clarity I decided to ask Lia, a divine feminine voice that offers me spiritual insight.

“What gives,” I asked, “can you help me understand my anger better?”

“Yes,” she responded adding, “anger is one of your egos most effective tools.”

“Really,” I questioned?

“Your ego’s chief role is to protect you. It’s important though to understand my use of the word ‘you’ here. Over the course of your life your ego has established firm boundaries. It does this to provide you with a sense of safety.”

“From whom,” I asked?

“From everything ‘not you’. To do this your ego builds what I’ll call ‘expectation models’. You create these models to determine what is acceptable to you. All things which do not fit within your expectation models are seen as ‘threats’ and will often manifest anger in you.”

“Are you saying that my sources of anger are triggers for me and that they arise because they’re identifying events outside my expectations of the way I think things should be?”

“Yes, exactly. All anger occurs when there is a gap between what you expect to happen (based on your expectation models) and what you think/believe you want to happen. The wider the gap, the greater the fear and consequently, the amount of anger that appears.”

“So, what I’m actually doing is protecting my self-image so that I feel safe, right?”

“Yes, although a part of you knows better. It senses there is a better way.”

“Which is,” I asked?

“If your aim is to live a joyful, contented, happy life, it would be wise to begin relaxing your expectation models. When a trigger arises, consciously recognize how you feel and decide if this feeling serves you in some way. Does it bring you joy? If it does not, make a conscious decision to release your anger, in favor of living a joy filled life.”

“Living a joy filled life is my greatest desire, so I’m going to do as you suggest. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.”

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People You Meet

I am a big believer that there is something special and unique that I can learn from every single experience I encounter in my life.

What do you think?

We can probably agree that some experiences are stronger than others and seem much more important or powerful, but believing that every single experience has something to teach us, perhaps you might think that could be going too far.

I might have felt that way at one time in my life but when I slow down and shift my perspective to a moment-to-moment framework something else happens. I see a wealth of meaning and connection.

It would probably help if I offered an example.

My wife and I recently went to Florida for twelve days of sunny, warm vacation. We arrived at our local airport, got our boarding passes, checked our bags, made our way through TSA and were sitting at our designated gate, awaiting boarding. There were lots of people milling around and most seats were full. Some of the flights were delayed, causing some annoyance to several passengers.

My wife and I sat down, storing our carry-on items in the empty seat between us. When the man next to her got up and headed toward the gate where boarding was starting, I decided to change my seat and took over his vacated space.

Despite my belief that he was boarding the plane, he must have been throwing something out, because he returned a moment or two later. Once he observed that I had taken his seat, he leaned toward me and said, “that’s my seat, sport!”, in what I would term a somewhat threatening voice and posture, leaving no doubt in my mind that he expected me to get up and relocate, so that he could have ‘his’ seat back.

Without giving it any thought, I stood up and changed back to where I had been sitting. However…I confess to feeling stung by his words and gestures, especially his use of the term ‘sport’. It reeked of condescension.

Part of me immediately went into hostile mode and wanted to know what right he had to speak to me in that manner or to demand ‘his’ seat back. There was no sign on it. He hadn’t left an open magazine there to claim his spot. He didn’t say to us, “I’ll be right back, could you save my seat for me?”. Nothing.

Another part of me wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was having a really bad day. Maybe his flights had been messed up and he’d had to sleep overnight in the airport. Maybe his use of the term ‘sport’ wasn’t intended to ruffle or irritate me.

A third part of me wished I’d stayed where I was and told him he had no claim to the seat. No ownership. No rights. And, by the way, “who are you calling ‘sport’, sport!?”

There was yet another part of me operating during this sequence. I’ll call it my ‘inner observer’. It’s the part of me that takes notice of my thoughts and actions. It invites me to step back for a moment to consider. It encourages me to see if there is a bigger picture operating. And it asks valuable questions like, why is this triggering you and is it necessary or helpful for you to take this personally?

When I allow my observer to take center stage I see, hear, sense, and understand more. My observer also aids me in releasing my initial thoughts and reactions. I can let go of my what does not serve or benefit me. I can release my ‘possession’ of the seat and allow his comment and tone to pass through me. I can set aside my personal reactions and ownership of being triggered by his manner or expectations.

This ten second ‘connection’ between us can inform my whole world and leave a lasting impact on me. The choice is mine to decide. Not his nor anyone else’s. Mine.

What I take away from this or any other single connection I form with another is entirely up to me. That’s a powerful thing and I can choose to carry with me all of the hurtful or all of the helpful feelings that go with it.

I believe everyone can do this.

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Did Jesus Apologize to the Moneychangers

Is there such a thing as righteous indignation? Are any of us allowed to express anger and take strong actions because we feel that it is justified? Do we get a pass for misbehaving?

I wonder about a lot of things, especially the ones that don’t make immediate sense to me.

Many people in this world know about Jesus, whether they are Christians who believe he is the son of God or others who feel he was a spiritual prophet who lived a very human existence.

There is a story in the Bible about when Jesus reacted with anger and overturned the moneychangers’ tables and cast them out of the temple. Each of the four gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) tell this story. They all seem to agree that the actions Jesus took were justified. That he was cleansing the temple, the house of God.

But here’s what troubles me.

It is so out of character for him. He ate with people that others considered to be sinners, he healed folks who were thought to be unclean, and he spoke with many who were outcasts of society. He feed the poor and preached about love, not just for the lovable, but for all.

I have to ask myself, is this story in keeping with the heart of Jesus’s teachings?

Wouldn’t his love have extended even to the moneychangers? Wouldn’t he have sat with them and brought wisdom to them, teaching them, and leading them into the light? Certainly, he had the insight to see within them and know what words to say, so that they could understand how what they were doing was harmful.

I offer you a disclaimer.

I do not believe that the Bible records every event exactly as it happened. There are numerous discrepancies when comparing the accounts of the four gospels and beyond that, when comparing different Bible versions and the languages and translations.

It seems to me we are prompted to go within to find our own truth.

I believe in following the essence of Jesus. In my heart I believe he would have turned up the love. He would have led the animals out into the courtyard, then returned to sit with the moneychangers. He would have shown love and drawn love out of them, changing their hearts in the process.

There would have been no need to apologize for turning over their tables and scattering their coins on the floor because he would have taken a more loving approach.

Of course, it is up to you to decide what you feel happened and you may be wondering what does this have to do with you?

In my mind, quite a lot.

For me, I wonder if I am ever justified in my anger. Can I behave in any manner, without concern for my actions, because I feel I have been wronged? Is there any such thing as righteous indignation?

It seems like a sort of carte blanche, where we allow ourselves to do whatever we want, with no consideration for the effect on anyone else.

The thing is, there is always an effect from the actions we take.

And it matters.

So, what is the takeaway when considering this story?

As always, it is up to each of us to decide.

What feels most right to me is that leading from love, not anger, is the way to live in this world. Sacrificing my anger and embracing a loving approach offers me the chance to connect with others. It builds up instead of tears down. It closes the distance between us. It opens our hearts and fills us. Choosing love always feels like the right decision.

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