Category: asking

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Pep Talk

I have two questions for you. Don’t worry, they’re pretty easy.

The first is…do you believe you know when someone is not telling you the truth?

I can’t say with any sense of confidence that I always can. I think there are many times when others fool me. I might have an impression one way or the other, but I’m not one hundred percent sure.

I wonder what your answer is and how sure you are.

My second question is…do you know when you are telling yourself something untrue?

This one is easier for me, how about you?

I believe I almost always know when I’m trying to convince myself that something is true. There is a certain feeling I experience. A kind of ‘knowing’.

I wonder if you experience this same inner sense.

Okay, so you may be wondering why I asked you these two questions and what it has to do with a ‘pep talk’.

I’ll start by introducing two concepts that are popular in our culture. The first is the idea of ‘fake it until you make it’ and the second is the notion that ‘you can make something come true merely by attempting to manifest or attract it’.

Let me first say that if these work for you, please ignore everything I’m going to say. Somehow, you’ve discovered a way to reap the rewards of this kind of thinking.

But for me, neither idea works as advertised and the main reason is that they both represent lies I would be telling myself. Because I can tell when I’m not being truthful with myself, I cannot create fake feelings or manifest anything I don’t believe possible.

I simply won’t buy this kind of story without some evidence to support it, no matter how much I might want it. If you’re like me, telling yourself a fictional story (ie: that you are rich beyond your wildest dreams) does not make it so. And similarly, trying to convince yourself that you can attract anything just because you would like it to be so, does not work.

Certainly, I have hopes and dreams and want things but in order for me to experience them I need to find a different way.

Here’s the pep talk part.

I believe each of us has incredible promise and potential, in some part received at birth, in other parts taught to us or discovered by us. Capitalizing on what we already have and taking the next step, that is a way forward for each of us.

Asking for help, putting forth effort, taking advantage of opportunities, either presented to us or pursued by us, these are ways to experience what we want in life.

Expecting it to come to us by some mysterious means or without effort on our part seems to me an entirely unrealistic notion.

I firmly believe each of us in capable of taking the next step, whatever it might be, either with others help or because we actively pursue it ourselves. Taking one step leads to taking another and before you know it, you’re taking aim toward what you intend to experience.

I’d like to cheerlead you in this process. I encourage you to take action, no matter the size, then take some more. Don’t worry if the steps are sometimes sideways or backwards, just keeping moving. Congratulate yourself for what you accomplish and savor the experience. And once in a while tell yourself ‘BRAVO’ for your efforts…you are a superstar.

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Contradictions

How do you deal with contradictions in your life?

Are they easy for you to separate into decipherable components or do they pose serious challenges for you? Navigating contradictions seems to be a part of our lives, whether we like it or not.

Here are two examples of contradictions in the English language.

The word sanction can mean either to give official permission or approval OR conversely, to impose a penalty. Imagine the difficulty that would be created if someone used the word, sanction, and you weren’t sure what they meant.

Then there is the word, oversight, which means both to oversee or supervise someone or something OR to fail to see, observe, or to disregard or ignore something.

This is only one challenge faced by those attempting to learn English. There are so many others, but I’m focusing on the particular dilemma created when the same word has two opposing meaning.

You may be wondering, does this happen in our daily lives or you may see the connection immediately.

The messages we receive every moment of our lives can have this same kind of effect on us, forcing us to determine which meaning we are supposed to understand.

Often, we have to listen to the tone of voice used or the volume of the speaker or the gestures they use when they talk, further complicating the situation.

I find that I confuse people sometimes. I think I’m being clear, but they don’t respond the way I expect. Either it’s me or it’s them or there are just too many ways to interpret the words I used.

On the receiving end, it’s the same thing. Even when I listen carefully, I sometimes don’t get what they’re saying and sometimes it seems contradictory, especially if they aren’t patient. If either one of us gets angry or frustrated, things seem to go off track.

Okay, so I’ve illustrated a problem I encounter and perhaps you do too, so now what?

One answer that comes to me is not one I used to be good at, but after having practiced a lot, I’m getting better.

Ask.

I find that it’s unrealistic for me to be clear every time I speak and it’s equally unfair to expect this of anyone else. We have lots of things on our minds. We have different goals, patience levels, available time, and communication skills.

But we can each ask questions. If something is unclear, we can pause the conversation and ask what the other person means. We can paraphrase what they’ve said and ask if we understand correctly. And we can ask as soon as we have a question, so that we don’t get lost before the next step in the conversation.

I know this seems simple and it is, but we may feel that we ‘should’ understand already and by asking a question we risk giving the other person the impression that we are not smart enough to follow what they’re saying. Or that they may get annoyed with us for interrupting them.

To me, some of the most important benefits of asking questions during conversations is that we can feel in sync with others, and better understand them so that we receive valuable information or become more sensitive to their feelings or to convey our feelings to them.

Without asking questions how else can we do that?

During my life I’ve discovered the incredible power that questions possess. They invite and offer depth of connection with others and it only takes a second to ask a question.