Category: blame

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Blame

I have to admit it…being blaming for something is one of my least favorite things. I don’t like it when I AM the reason for something going wrong and get blamed, but I especially don’t like it when I am NOT the reason.

It seems so unfair, and it hurts. Partly I suppose because it damages my self-image.

And then there are the times I blame others.

One such instance happened recently. My wife and I were away and when we returned our driveway was full of snow. Okay, no problem, we’d just park in the road, I’d get the snowblower going and make quick work of clearing our driveway so we could park safely and unload our stuff.

The problem occurred in my very first pass down the driveway because underneath all of the snow was our newspaper which had been canceled while we were away. It wasn’t supposed to have been there. Naturally snowblowers and heavy newspapers do not get along. Before I could do anything, the newspaper was sucked into the snowblower and jammed beyond my ability to dislodge. Result = one useless snowblower and time to get some physical exercise shoveling.

My first reaction was yelling out loud. Not words exactly, but a lot of loud noise. This has happened before!

This reaction came with a great deal of blame. My wife had called the newspaper to cancel so they either didn’t cancel, or the newspaper carrier delivered one anyway. As far as I was concerned, the newspaper and carrier were both at fault.

And they were both the cause of several unfortunate results; having to shovel heavy wet snow, need to contact snowblower repair folks, cost of the repairs and length of time without it so that if it snows before I get it back, more shoveling for me. All because someone didn’t do their job.

I wanted to hold someone accountable. A part of me wanted them to have to pay for my inconvenience and the repair costs.

I confess it took a while for me to sit back far enough from the blaming to recognize what effect it was having on me. I was angry, frustrated and fuming, all things which prevented me from seeing clearly.

Once I gained a little distance, I saw how my upset was prolonging my negative feelings and delaying me from finding a resolution to the problem.

I had to stop and ask myself an important question. What if life is offering me something of benefit wrapped up in this problem? What if its value is far greater than the cost of the upset and the snowblower repair?

But what could that be?

I really had to work hard to shift my perspective. What made it possible for me was my ultimate belief that everything in my life actually ‘serves’ me in some way. Everything benefits me, no matter how it first appears. These ideas fueled my inner search.

I wondered, what if I accepted that sometimes things happen PERIOD. No one did it on purpose. No one was trying to harm or upset me. What if I just accepted that it happened and could be resolved? What if I did this quickly so that I avoided feeling angry and gave others the benefit of the doubt and didn’t blame them?

How would that change my world?

What if instead of blaming others I forgave them? How much would that save me from suffering? How much better would that be for my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing?

My answer is…it would fantastic. It would be an extraordinary decision.

I’m not saying that I’m adept at this yet. Clearly not. But what I did discover was that there is another way, a better way and hopefully I’ll choose that next time and save myself a whole lot of misery.

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Biases

I wonder, how many of my biases am I in charge of? Can I escape any of them? Can I blame them on my cultural training or the belief systems I’ve adopted from those who’ve influenced me?

Part of me wants to accept this, but another part responds simply with an old-time expression which dates me, “what a cop out”, which loosely translates as, I’m in charge of my own decisions and can’t blame anything or anyone else. I have to own it.

I don’t like the way I feel when my biases get out of their cages. It rattles me and fills me with a sense of unhappiness.

It’s as if there is some tiny war being fought inside of me, with opposing forces that clash with no clear winner, just a repeating dynamic where one part is upset with a person or action, while another part preaches tolerance and acceptance.

I desperately want to break this cycle, but how?

To begin with, maybe it would be helpful to reframe my aim. Using the word, ‘break’, implies a struggle and I find that when any internal struggling is involved it creates its own challenge, because a part of me seems to know I can’t fix anything while still divided within myself.

I think, maybe I can shift my perspective and find a way to create a collaborative approach, one that seeks a peaceful solution, free from blame or shame. That feels better.

Where to start?

I wonder if it would help me to know where each bias comes from or why I still hold on to them.

I sit back and ponder this.

As with so many other things, I realize that trying to locate the source is a rabbit hole for me, a dead-end that only serves to delay addressing the real issue. Perhaps it works the same way for you.

A better way for me is to ‘head into the storm’ and focus on my bias directly. What are they really saying to me, what are they saying about me.

Why have I accepted some biases as truth? Why do some live inside of me, others do not?

I look at my biases one by one to see if there is some commonality that offers me insight and a way forward. I’m shocked by how unaccepting I can be of others’ behaviors. I didn’t think that kind of intolerance lived inside of me.

But it does.

I try to avoid blaming myself for it, knowing this will not help me or fix anything. In fact, it only complicates matters.

One striking similarity is that my biases represent my desire for others to conform to my belief system and to act the way I think they should.

WHAM! I feel the crushing weight of my word choice…SHOULD. I thought I’d dropped that word from my vocabulary, but no, it popped right out. I tried to retire the word…should…because it implies that there is only one acceptable way to do or see things and I don’t believe that. Given that I am trying to understand my predisposition regarding my own biases, it’s the perfect word to appear. It clearly shows me what I need to see.

All of my biases are about conformity with beliefs I’ve adopted. Whenever I observe actions or behaviors outside my limits, a bias kicks in.

Now I can shift my perspective and can consciously expand my range. I can loosen my hold over beliefs that don’t serve me or others. I can realize that rarely is anyone doing anything TO me. They’re just living their own lives, based on their own choices and it’s not necessary or helpful for me to have or exercise an opinion about their choices. Even more to the point, I don’t know what their life is like and have no reasonable basis for forming any opinions about them.

One final insight washes over me. It comes in the form of a question…what is the most loving action I can take?

The answer is clear to me. I can love them just as they are. That is certainly something I want to do, so I’m going to refocus my energy and try my best to do just that.

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Blame

Okay, so here’s a topic I’m intimately acquainted with both as a receiver and, sad to say, as a giver…blame.

I wish it weren’t so, but it is.

I wonder if you can identify with this too.

Clearly, I understand what blame means and certainly how it feels, but I thought I’d start my post by laying a firmer foundation.

The Merriam Webster dictionary offers three meanings; (1) to find fault with, (2) to hold responsible and (3) to place responsibility for. It seems to me the three are very close in meaning. Each appears necessary to have two positions, one, the individual who has done someone wrong and two, another person to point it out to them.

How often are you blamed for doing something that someone else finds unacceptable? Are others quick to choose you to blame? How does it make you feel?

And because we have all received our share of blame, has it seeped into you far enough that you end up often blaming others for their mistakes or omissions? It is certainly an easy thing to do.

I encouraged myself to move deeper into this sensitive topic because I knew there was hidden value waiting for me. I sensed no enjoyment present though, since the sting of blame lives pretty close to my surface.

Throughout my life I’ve been blamed for many things, some of which I have to admit are legitimate, but many are not. The blame I’ve received does not belong to me. In some cases, the ‘blamer’ is the responsible party, but won’t admit it, so is quick to point their finger at me first.

I don’t know about you, but I find it extremely difficult to accept someone else’s blame. I would much rather they share with me how something I said or did made them feel and ask me to change the way(s) I approach them. When they move immediately to blame, I become defensive.

Of course, when I have the presence of mind to realize what I’m saying or doing, I recognize the same tendencies in me I find so hard to accept in others. This makes me wonder, is there a better path? Can I find a truer, more open way of living?

Perhaps an answer lies further below the surface.

To me, blame is a ‘separation’ word. Someone is either right or wrong, good or bad and there is a need for accountability. Blame divides people.

What if we could exchange the idea of blame for something else? What if we substituted the word ‘mistake’. Would this make a difference in the world? Rather than there being a need to force one person into submission, maybe we could work toward fixing what went astray. We could view the mistake as a learning tool for everyone involved. We could explore other ways a situation could be handled and choose one that elevates all instead of having one person bear the blame.

Personally, I like the sounds of that. I think I’ll spend some time giving it a try, realizing that I’ll need to be aware of what I’m thinking, feeling, and doing when situations arise.

One other curious thing about blame came into view for me.

I wondered when and where the word came into existence. As with so many words, one source indicated it arose from the Greek culture, estimating its arrival around 1200 AD. I have no idea about the authenticity of this, but what I found interesting was the question it prompted for me…did people blame each other before there was a word for it? Probably.

For me, there are a handful of words I’d like to eliminate from my vocabulary. Here’s three I know for sure…should, shame, and blame. Maybe you’d like to join me in eliminating them from yours too.

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Letting Yourself off the Hook

Have you done something wrong? Maybe someone else thinks that you did, and they’ve placed you on a hook for it.

Perhaps you recognize an error you’ve made and can’t get past it.

What do you do?

Clearly, this may be simple or quite complex and no one answer exists for all situations. You may or may not agree that you belong on the hook. You may not think that the source of controversy is important or any big deal. You may disagree completely and believe you are blameless.

But, even if you are, knowing that others do not share your opinion can create difficulties and challenges for you.

I wonder what inner part of us controls our decisions about accepting and releasing blame. I wonder too when does blame turn into shame?

I know for sure that both blame and shame are extremely heavy loads to carry, especially if you feel you have to carry them for a long period of time. I don’t think any of us are prepared for that.

So, what resources are available to us?

I believe it is true that lots of perceptive, intelligent, and self-aware folks exist in the world. Many have made it a part of their mission to help those facing blame and shame issues. They have wonderful and insightful things to say and provide a host of suggestions about what to do. If you’d like, you can find them through an internet search.

But what if you don’t have access to their work?

Perhaps that’s the time to focus on your inner resources and your divine self, to call upon your immense strength and your accumulated wisdom from your years here on this earth.

I’d like you to consider that there is a sacred part of you that knows all things, but as of yet, has not been called upon for answers.

I confess this approach requires that you acknowledge you are connected to the divine and the source of all wisdom. Just because I believe this to be true isn’t enough. For there to be any divine aid in resolving blame and shame, you would need to make the decision that you are a part of god.

For just a moment, suspend any sense of disbelief and open to the possibility that you have access to greater wisdom. Allow yourself to conceive that you are directly connected to the divine. And that you can ask and receive answers to all of your questions.

Imagine that there is an answer for you, a solution, and a way forward.

Take a moment and sit back, close your eyes, and breathe in and out gently. Ask for help and guidance. Smile to let the love in. Be open to knowing that there is a center line running through you of joy. A joy that accepts you as you are and understands that you say and do things from a place of unknowing. You are present on earth as an unfolding of perfection. Not perfect itself, but an unfolding into perfection. And as you unfold, recognize that blame and shame do not serve you, other than to point the way past themselves so that you may see more clearly. Know that joy is your natural inner path toward all things.

From this relaxed place, release yourself from any hooks you may be encountering and allow your heart to guide you to the answer you seek and to the way forward that lets go of blame and shame and embraces love and joy. Once in the arms of love and joy, life flows easily.

Peace be with you and inside of you.