Category: choices

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Am I A Victim

Am I a victim or do I have a choice?

That may seem like a simple question, but I don’t think it is, and here’s why.

It feels to me that the world tries to fill our heads with strong opinions about this and reinforces the whole idea of victimhood. So much so that it may be our first reaction. We simply accept ourselves as the victims of our circumstances.

When I sit back for a moment, I realize this may even be our default setting, an immediate prescribed reaction to events we encounter.

I wonder, how can this possibly benefit us?

My first thought is, it’s an easy escape. We don’t have to be held accountable and there’s usually someone else to blame. We don’t have to take any responsibility or even make changes to fix things.

We’re simply off the hook. After all, we’re the victim, aren’t we?

This whole thought process bothers me to my core. I understand why we might gravitate to this way of thinking, but to me no one is served by it. Not really.

I do not believe I came here to this earth to be a powerless victim of my own thinking or because of someone else’s actions.

Of course, I realize there are things outside my control. Lots of them. And many of them create situations I’d rather not experience. But that doesn’t mean I am powerless.

In fact, once it becomes obvious to me that I’m falling into the grips of victimhood, that’s the time for conscious decision making.

This starts with a giant step back and some deep breathing.

I need to take a wide view of the situation and truly consider all of the choices available to me.

I’m sure there are many ways to evaluate before choosing a path forward and everyone ought to use the one that offers them the best outcome- the one that works to achieve their ultimate benefit.

The question may be- how?

I have a suggestion you might want to consider.

Hang on, because it comes from a surprising place. As some of you know, I have certain recollections about heaven. I remember things and one of them is the ceremony that centered around me before I came to earth. During the ceremony I created a framework, a basic plan of things I wanted to experience. I think of it as my spiritual DNA. It remains flexible throughout my earth life, so I am able to make any changes I desire.

When I was constructing this basic plan, I chose to live in the world and be impacted by my cultural training, BUT I also chose to retain the ability to choose what best served me, despite what my culture believed.

In a way it doesn’t really matter if you decide to believe me about remembering heaven, because we all end up in this same place having to decide what path best suits us.

What I am suggesting is that we do not have to accept the ‘victim’ role. It is an option, not a requirement. It’s a choice.

We can acknowledge its presence, but give ourselves permission to make a better choice, one that serves our immediate and long-term aims.

I feel all decisions are open to me. I may not always like the immediate outcomes, but I do still have a choice, and I believe that it is always possible to find a wonderful path forward.

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Nothing For Granted

I’ve been thinking about how often I seem to take things for granted. Maybe this happens to you too.

I began wondering why. Could it be that my mind is just too busy with other things or is there something deeper going on?

There was a somewhat melancholy feeling running through me and words started flowing onto a page in my journal. I thought I’d share them with you, so that maybe together we could remind ourselves to take nothing for granted.

Nothing For Granted

Life is precious,

Sometimes staying in one place,

Sometimes leaping head.

I want to remember it all.

I wonder to myself about things,

About moments I experience,

What if this were my last hug,

The last spoke word I’ll ever hear,

What if this were my last sunset,

Last long soothing shower I’ll ever have,

Last delicious meal I’ll eat,

Or song I’ll hear,

Or walk I’ll take,

What if it’s the last firefly I’ll see light up

On a hot summer night,

Last starlit sky,

Last new spring green explosion of leaves I’ll see,

Or the last brilliant colorful autumn extravaganza,

What if it’s the last time I’ll feel the warmth of a cozy blanket,

Or the sunshine on my face,

What if this was the last time I’ll feel my wife’s lips against mine,

Would it change what it means to me

To be alive,

Would I treasure it,

Savor it,

Breath into it.

Would I try to hold onto it for dear life.

I wonder,

What do I want my life to be like.

So,

I sit with all of this

And let it wash over me

And I know what I want,

I want everything

To mean something to me,

Every sting,

Every fall and rise,

Every illusive dream,

Hurt, hope, every breath,

Every face and heart connection,

I want the whole collection of life,

Because it all matters.

And what I want most

Is to feel alive

And connected

And

I want to take nothing for granted,

Ever

I am curious what things you’d put on your list. Maybe you are too.

Be well.

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What Were You Made For

It’s likely that you watched, listened to or heard about Billie Eilish’s song, What Was I Made For, which was the Official Music Video for the film, Barbie.

No doubt everyone has their own opinions about the song. I find it eerily haunting and beautiful. The undercurrent feels eye opening to me, especially when you consider how it fits into the movie.

Of course, you can take the song and movie at face value, but there is so much underneath of benefit and worth.

What would you answer if I asked you this deceptively simple question…what were you made for?

Perhaps you’ve already arrived at your answer.

But for those of you who have not previously considered this, what are you inclined to respond?

I always feel it’s fair that I answer the questions I ask, so here’s my response.

I need to back up a little.

I still carry with me some memories from heaven. There was a ceremony I participated in, and many choices were made. I do not remember all of them, but there are some that are clear to me. I probably ought to say, they become clear to me as my life goes on.

I believe I chose where, when and to whom I was born. It feels obvious to me that the experiences I’ve encountered fit neatly into my life plan. I realize and believe that each choice is fully and completely under my control because I have free will. This is not to say that I haven’t been manipulated or coerced or brainwashed into making choices others wanted. But the truth for me is that I allowed or sanctioned or surrendered and accepted the path others wanted me to take in order to please them or keep me from their wrath.

That is until I decided to put my self first. You may be thinking, that’s kind of selfish, isn’t it? And you would be correct.

I realized I am here, on this earth, to create and experience my life. MY life.

I love others here and I certainly want to show love, support, and encouragement, but not at the cost of losing myself in the process.

I don’t believe that is what I was made for.

I was made to explore, discover, absorb, create, connect, give and receive love. I was made to be able to make my own choices, follow my own path, and share whatever radiance that burns inside of me.

I believe you have this same birthright. It’s part of your spiritual DNA. It’s one of the reasons you were given free will, so you could choose and chart your own path.

However, for you to answer this really important question has nothing to do with what I think or what I say. It’s entirely up to you.

So, what were you made for?

Whatever the answer is, I believe it already exist inside of you and if you give yourself a chance to listen, you’ll hear the sweet quiet voice guiding you toward your own answers and choices.

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What If Today…

I want to share something that I wrote for a dear friend of mine recently. It was intended to provide a spark to ignite a different way of viewing life. It was something that I needed. As with all of my posts, the thoughts and words arrive for me and then moved outward into the world.

The post is a dream in a way. Of a richer life. And of course, as it is in all cases, it depends on what we choose. I wonder to myself what will I choose, I wonder too, what will you choose?

What if today…

What if today…I choose to believe…to truly accept and embrace…that every single thing that happens to me is here to benefit me. What if I choose to see beyond appearances and all of the things that blind me. What if I give myself permission to believe that I am loved and cared for and know that everything I experience in my life is there to offer me something of value. That no matter what the world tells me, I can choose my own path. What if I embrace that my heart and spirit are the ones that set me free.

What if today I release any need to control the uncontrollable. What if I spruce up my ability to yield and let go of all the things that weigh me down…to set them aside and feel the precious liberation and the expansive freedom that choice creates.

What if today I collect all the most lovable parts of me and hug them and ask them to spread their joy throughout my body…my life.

What if today I allow every sorrow, pain, challenge, and concern to take the day off…to rest…what if I placed them all gently in the ocean of bliss that is my true home, where they can be washed clean.

What if, for one day, I give up needing to be in charge of anything and allow life to flow gently through me.

What if today…I breathe in peace and breathe out love.

What if today…is that day.

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Endings and Beginnings

While away on a break from writing original posts I thought I’d share some of my favorites with you from the past three and a half years. In mid-March I’ll return with more original posts. Until then, please enjoy these.

It occurred to me recently that there are a lot of examples of endings in my life. Some of them are okay with me, but others are filled with sadness. Perhaps you face the same thing in your life, despite our examples being different.

I’ve been spending a great deal of time preparing for a garage sale that my daughter, Jenny and I are having soon. It involves a huge number of decisions on my part. Maybe like others, my basement is a certifiable disaster area. Years ago, we had a flood and I had to throw out a ton of stuff but felt other things would be safe. It turns out, they weren’t. Over the years they’ve acquired a terrible, damp, moldy smell and they have to go.

Fortunately, there are salvageable items. Enough so that I had to make literally 50 trips from the basement to the garage.

Among the items were my golf clubs, which generated my first ‘ending’. I’ve kept them in the basement even though I haven’t played in years and am unlikely to ever play again. But I kept them there because I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I was done playing. I have very pleasant memories of playing golf, being out on the course, walking on the freshly cut grass, among family or friends, sharing both the good and bad shots. Even though my back won’t tolerate playing any more, I was reluctant to give them up. It was too sad an ending for me.

On several racks, taking up a lot of space, was all of my camping gear. My best friend, Doug, and I did a great deal of camping and canoeing together, and we both loved it. Being out in nature, testing ourselves and our skills against the challenges, was a wonderful experience. To put these things in the trash or the garage sale meant I was done with them. That it’s over. More sorrow for me.

There are other endings that surround me.

When I was seventeen and on my high school’s JV soccer team I was on the field and got hit directly in the face with a soccer ball. It hurt but I recovered. Unfortunately, my two front teeth took the brunt of the force, and both were damaged. Over the years they discolored and a couple weeks ago, my left front tooth had to be extracted. I’m now left with a big gap until it can be repaired. The surgery and recovery were quite painful, and I really miss my tooth. I can’t bite anything with my other front tooth at this point, so have to cut up my food. I miss eating like I used to, and it feels like an ending to me.

Other endings surfaced when I started thinking about this topic. Among them are the loss of friends, whether to cancer or suicide or moving away. No matter the reason, it’s hard to take because they each represent an ending to me and are filled with sadness.

I needed to sit back, to pause and consider, what does all of this mean to me? Where do I put the pain, sorrow, and sadness? What other way might I see this to gain a different perspective?

The answer that showed up was, that all endings are also new beginnings. Or they can be if I allow and encourage them to be.

I wondered what I would have to do to make this real. Perhaps it was as simple as telling myself it would serve me best to make the shift.

So, I sat and consciously, intentionally, reviewed each ‘ending’ and reframed them as new beginnings. I recognized that I could get lost in the sorrow of each of my endings, but I could also shift my perspective and view them as new beginnings and the start of new adventures.

I decided to give my golf clubs to my grandson, Evan, so that they can be his and that he can have a bit of my legacy. I decided that although I wouldn’t be camping outside in the same way as before, I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted. There are thousands of VRBOs and Air B&Bs available to me. I decided that even though I have lost some friends, I am capable and desirous of making new friends and sharing new adventures with them. And I’ve committed to believing that there will be good bone growth, so that a new tooth (crown) can be placed where there is currently a gap, restoring my dental health.

What I discovered, while allowing myself to feel the full weight of the sorrow of some endings, was that I have other choices too. I can release the sadness and embrace the enchantment of new beginnings, making my world a better place for myself.

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Better Decisions

I want to make better decisions. Ones that cause less pain and suffering. Ones that elevate me. Ones that work to my advantage and serve me. And ones that don’t cost me time, money, effort.

How about you?

Do you ever end up realizing that the choices you’ve made moved you in reverse somehow? Or that they’ve derailed you or created more problems than they’ve solved?

I was reminded recently just how easy it is for me to lose perspective and make a bad decision.

I was putting away some photo albums on a shelf near floor level. I thought it would be easy to lean down and slide them onto the shelf, but the combination of leaning forward while twisting was too much for my back and it immediately informed me of my mistake. It didn’t give me one of those horrific spasms, it merely tightened into a knot and refused to release. I tried icing it, a hot shower, muscle relaxation cream, gently stretching it…all my tricks. But nothing worked. It got worse and I knew if I didn’t get a chiropractic adjustment I was in for a long haul.

The funny (and not so funny) thing was that I believe there was a part of me that knew better than to lean over the way I did. I remember thinking it would be much smarter to move my massage table out of the way, set all of the photo albums on the top of the shelf within easy reach, and put a kneeling pad on the floor, so I could kneel there in comfort close to the shelf.

But I didn’t. I did what seemed easiest and told myself it would be okay, even though I really think I knew better.

So, why didn’t I make a better decision? That’s the questions that is lingering in my head.

Maybe you have situations like this in your life, where one part of you knows what the smart choice is, but another part of you acts before the smart part gets the chance. It’s almost like a contest between smart and easy. I want to call it ‘dumb’, but I’m not fond of offering myself criticism when there is a more productive way to view things.

How is it that you or I can shift toward making better decisions in our lives?

One answer that raises its hand, is to consider the likeliest outcomes of our choices. Using my example, I had to know there was a big risk of injury by not taking my time and using good techniques. I had to know that I might encounter significant pain and suffering, loss of sleep and quality of life. If I had weighed these probable outcomes versus the mild inconvenience of moving the table and getting the kneeling pad, the answer would have been incredibly clear to me. I don’t truly understand why I chose what I did but maybe that doesn’t matter. Maybe what matters is that next time I remember and make a better decision.

I think that’s one key. Remember the outcomes of our actions and consider their impacts, so that future choices are clearer to us. I definitely feel I’ll pay more attention when it comes to my physical movements, at least I certainly hope so.

Other ideas come to mind, and I prepare to listen.  

I could research for the best answers. I could weigh the pros and cons and see what directions they suggested. I could use my intuition to guide me. I could ask someone I trust and see what they suggest. Maybe they’ve encountered the same thing(s) in their life and could offer me sound advice.

One final thought comes to me. I could ask the divine for assistance. For me, this is similar to using my intuition, but even more powerful because it allows me to engage in a dialogue with my divine self, in my case Lia, an ethereal feminine voice that speaks to me whenever I ask for help, support or encouragement. Whichever direction you choose, I hope you find yourself choosing good decisions, ones that lead you forward into happiness and joy

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Unintended Outcomes

I wanted to provide you with an opportunity to explore something with me if you’d like.

Let’s suppose that the following happens…EVERYTHING you think you want, actually comes true. Not just some things, but EVERYTHING. You don’t have to work for it or negotiate or trade, whatever you want, it’s yours.

What would you choose?

I invite you to take a minute or two, if you have the time right now, or save this exercise for when you have a couple minutes. Sit back with a pen or pencil and pad/notebook and brainstorm, recording what comes to you.

Would you choose things that provide you with fame or fortune or popularity or trophies? Or would you choose things that would increase your bank accounts or investment portfolio or your compensation package?

Would you opt to live longer or healthier or pain and disease free? Or perhaps you’d decide to make things better for others, so you might give away tons of money, or medicines to the poor or education to those who don’t have access.

Maybe you’d bypass the monetary or health things and go straight to the choices that would provide you with happiness and joy and dynamic relationships and overall contentment.

If you were free to choose anything and made a set of decisions, what do you think the ramifications would be? Might there be some unintended outcomes that would occur?

I wanted to dive into this myself, because I felt there was so much room to learn something important, something I might not access any other way. I sensed it could take me a little time to discover, but the journey would be well worth it.

Here’s the first thing that happened to me.

I thought to myself, if I got everything I wanted, no mess, no fuss, just immediately there for me…a feeling of dissatisfaction would come over me. I would feel it was too easy and I would take everything for granted. Things would lose a lot of their meaning and value to me.

If I hadn’t had to work for them, hadn’t traded any of my time or spent any energy in exchange for them, I think that whatever value they initially provided me with would be lost quickly.

The next thing I felt was a sense that not having to work for things would take away or sap my resourcefulness. I wouldn’t have to think or plan or interact with things. And I would shy away from anything that was difficult or challenging.

And then I thought, what will all these easily obtained things mean to me over time? Would they grow and expand in meaning and become favored things I treasure? My answer was ‘no, they would not’. For things to mean something to me, I need to exchange something for them. Some time, energy, skill, money, effort, something.

Although my initial list contained items like, best-selling author, wealthy donor, healthy beyond expectations, well respected, I felt I needed to take a second look.

There were unintended outcomes involved. I discovered each one of these attractive items to me wasn’t anything I would ever be in control of. They are the choices others make.

And finally, the primary outcome of having everything given to me is that my drive, my personal mission, and my desire to experience the world would be drained from me.

I’ve come to realize that it might be nice to occasionally have some things come easily to me, but for the important stuff, I want to be directly involved. I want to work hard, give of myself, connect directly with others in meaningful ways and reap a sense of personal satisfaction from what I choose to do with my life.

I want to see what it’s like to make all of my own decisions and experience all of the natural outcomes, no matter what they are.

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Try Something New

Here’s an idea for you, an invitation, now that we’re about to change seasons. Maybe the folks that manage the calendar don’t agree, but it always seems to me that as soon as the leaves start turning and kids go back to school, it’s a season change.

Anyway, here’s my idea.

Try something new. Maybe even several new things.

It’s one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself. It sparks your sense of wonder, offers intellectual stimulation, creates interest, tests your powers, and invites exploration and excitement.

It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it catches your fancy. It doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming or require lots of planning. It can be spur of the moment or a new ritual that attracts your interest.

My wife and I just returned from three days in Boston, Massachusetts. It was a fabulous spot to engage our sense of adventure and try new things.

We went for a harbor cruise and learned a lot of interesting facts about Boston, especially about the development of the city as an important seaport. We walked a lot and had dinner in the North End at a couple of nice Italian restaurants.

I am one of the least adventurous eaters around. Plain is the name of my game, but I challenge myself to try new foods while on vacation. This time it was artichoke hearts and cannoli. And no, I don’t mean together. I consider myself one for two, since the cannoli was good.

We also visited two art museums, the Isabella Stewart Gardner Palace, and the Museum of Fine Arts. The first museum had an interior courtyard that rose from the ground floor to a glass ceiling six stories straight up. The flowers in the courtyard were gorgeous and the overlooking windows provided great views from each of the three floors we checked out. The MFA had art from many different periods, including one contemporary exhibit where the canvases were made from various grasses. Yes, actual grass grew on the canvas, covering a photo of a person’s face. Pretty cool.

I’m offering these as examples, but feel free to choose your own ideas to pursue. That’s how this whole thing works.

Besides eating new foods, seeing new sites, and learning interesting facts, there are lots of ways to try something new.

If you’re looking for some suggestions, I came prepared.

Is there a skill you’ve been thinking about but haven’t gotten around to trying, like pickle ball, painting, gardening, building with Legos or photography?

Is now the right time for exploring a new interest, perhaps yoga, meditation, Pilates, or starting a collection, maybe stamps or coins?

And just maybe, now is the time to make a change in the way you’re managing your life.

Could it be simpler? Could you release some tension in your life? What would happen if you started a smiling practice, where instead of allowing frustrating moments to rule your life, you chose to smile.

Would your life be more interesting if you stopped once in a while to count your blessings and offer gratitude for all that you do have. That one appeals to me because I know what a difference it makes in my life when I shift my focus.

What kind of a change would happen inside you if the new thing you tried was to give yourself and others love every chance you could? When the car in front of you is moving at a snail’s pace or you pick the wrong check-out lane again could you step back, let go and think of a wonderful memory in your life to fill the open space.

Whatever you choose, I wish you well and I hope it rewards you in many ways.

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Choosing Your Ingredients

A funny question came to mind recently.

But first, a little background information.

In 1973, in an effort to standardize the food industry, the United States began requiring that packaged foods provide nutritional labels spelling out the number of calories, grams of protein, carbohydrate and fat and the percent of the US Recommended Daily Allowance of specific ingredients.

Then in 1990, the USDA mandated that all food companies were required to make consistent claims and include a detailed, standardized nutrition facts panel on all products intended to be sold.

This resulted in the nutritional labels you now find on almost every food item sold and additional changes are planned for the future.

My question is, what do you think it would be like if every human had a label attached to them listing their ingredients, like the food products we eat?

I’m not talking about the percentages of the most common chemicals found in humans; like oxygen, hydrogen, nitrogen, carbon, calcium, and phosphorus.

What I mean is, what if we came with a label identifying the contents of our hearts and minds? A label that provided insight into our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

In one way it might make it easier to understand each other.

And perhaps there would be warnings on our labels, letting others know which topics were most likely to trigger negative reactions before conversations began.

The idea also made me wonder, if we could see our own label clearly, would we still want each ingredient to be inside us? Or perhaps we’d recognize that one or more of them do not make us happy, fulfilled, or joyful. That some of our contents create misery and suffering.

If we knew in advance that some of our ingredients were harmful to us, we might make better decisions.

Well, what if we started over? Is that possible?

If you answered ‘yes’, what would you consciously choose to place inside yourself, if you could begin again?

I found the question intriguing and needed to sit back for a moment before answering.

I tried to clear my mind, which is quite a task some days. I think there are lots of ingredients that would be good to start with, but I ended up choosing ‘love’. Love for me and love for those around me. Is there any way that could ever go wrong?

But an important part of me asked what that actually means. How does love work? After all, there are so many difficult and challenging situations we all face. Is love really the answer to them all?

I sat back again, awaiting my own answer.

I came to an immediate conclusion…yes, love is the answer to everything. It is the main ingredient. With it firmly in my heart I see everything else fitting together. Love allows me freedom. It makes it possible to see through fear, sadness, anger, and all of the other warnings I might encounter.

And if I want to add other ingredients, love works with them all in unison, courage, compassion, bravery, generosity, empathy, faith, trust and so many more.

If you decide to start over, I hope you choose ingredients that serve you well.

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Conversations with Past and Future Selves

Would you like an opportunity to speak with yourself, either from the past or the future? To have things revealed to you, to make your life easier or to offer you a chance to avoid pitfalls.

That’s the question that came to me recently.

The event that created this was the purchase of a new bed for our upstairs bedroom. In order to make space I needed to relocate all the storage bins I’d shoved under the old bed. I’d really packed them in and basically only had a vague idea what they contained.

I made myself a promise to sort through every bin and make decisions regarding what was worth keeping and what needed to be thrown away.

My discoveries were very enlightening. There were all sorts of interesting things covering several different time periods in my life, some from college, some from my early working years and a few things that were more recent.

I found a lot of journals I’d written and decided to leaf through a few. I was struck by the life events that concerned me at the time I wrote them, some of which remain with me today, while others have long since been resolved.

A question popped up.

I wondered how my life would have changed if the ‘current me’ could go back and have a conversation with the ‘past me’. What could I have learned? And would I have listened and changed course?

I’m not sure.

Some part of me believes I wouldn’t have paid attention, and gone ahead and made the same decisions, despite the sound advice I received.

I don’t know about that either.

What would you have done; listened or ignored your ‘future self’? It’s an interesting question to kick around. Certainly, I’d have liked to avoid many of the problems in my life and taken an easier route.

But would I really?

The reason I ask is, would I still be the same person that I am today if I’d made different choices? And if I had, what would the consequences have been? Suppose the advice given me by my ‘future self’ altered the decisions I made that led me to a new friend, or a better job, or a wise investment?

How can anyone know the right path to take so that they experience the outcomes they most desire?

Something twisted during my musing about this.

I wondered, what would my life be like if the ‘current me’ could talk with the ‘future me’?

What if that were possible? What questions would I ask?

A few came to me quickly. How long will I live? Will I lose those closest to me? What will my day-to-day life be like? Will the New York Giants ever win another Super Bowl?

I sat with all of these questions and more for a while before deciding that I don’t really want to know.

I think it would spoil the surprise. And I think it would change every moment of my ‘current life’ because I’d be thinking about the ‘future me’.

I also think my life would lose its spontaneity, its spark, and its sparkle.

So, despite how much I might learn, I would choose just to wave to my ‘past’ and ‘future’ selves from a distance and go on about living my ‘current’ life.

We can still be friends, but for now, I choose to live in my present moment.