Category: expectations

Posted on

Nothing For Granted

I’ve been thinking about how often I seem to take things for granted. Maybe this happens to you too.

I began wondering why. Could it be that my mind is just too busy with other things or is there something deeper going on?

There was a somewhat melancholy feeling running through me and words started flowing onto a page in my journal. I thought I’d share them with you, so that maybe together we could remind ourselves to take nothing for granted.

Nothing For Granted

Life is precious,

Sometimes staying in one place,

Sometimes leaping head.

I want to remember it all.

I wonder to myself about things,

About moments I experience,

What if this were my last hug,

The last spoke word I’ll ever hear,

What if this were my last sunset,

Last long soothing shower I’ll ever have,

Last delicious meal I’ll eat,

Or song I’ll hear,

Or walk I’ll take,

What if it’s the last firefly I’ll see light up

On a hot summer night,

Last starlit sky,

Last new spring green explosion of leaves I’ll see,

Or the last brilliant colorful autumn extravaganza,

What if it’s the last time I’ll feel the warmth of a cozy blanket,

Or the sunshine on my face,

What if this was the last time I’ll feel my wife’s lips against mine,

Would it change what it means to me

To be alive,

Would I treasure it,

Savor it,

Breath into it.

Would I try to hold onto it for dear life.

I wonder,

What do I want my life to be like.

So,

I sit with all of this

And let it wash over me

And I know what I want,

I want everything

To mean something to me,

Every sting,

Every fall and rise,

Every illusive dream,

Hurt, hope, every breath,

Every face and heart connection,

I want the whole collection of life,

Because it all matters.

And what I want most

Is to feel alive

And connected

And

I want to take nothing for granted,

Ever

I am curious what things you’d put on your list. Maybe you are too.

Be well.

Posted on

Time to Reconsider

I have many teachers in my life, some exist in proximity to me, others are farther away. Each of them reminds me of things I want to learn to release or to be at peace with. They are predominantly things that irritate, annoy or upset me.

I guess by now I ought to be used to this, but I’m not.

If I am not careful, I get sucked into their orbit and react in kind. This does not serve me.

To be at peace, I know I need to release any attachment to my version of what is ‘right’. I wonder to myself, how is this done?

At first glance, I’m tempted to accept and embrace what my culture has taught me, which is that I deserve to feel the way I do, about anything. If I can find someone who shares my feelings or who otherwise supports my right to feel the way I do, I have no incentive to make any changes, despite the amount of conflict and internal suffering I experience.

Feeling justified is an end unto itself and it halts all other thoughts and holds me in place.

The other thing it does is it creates a host of troublesome feelings inside me and ultimately keeps me from any sense of peace or freedom.

It’s too high a price to pay.

My feelings create a crack in the doorway, a place where some light comes in. And when the light hits my feelings, I sense there is the possibility for change.

Perhaps my view of the world is wrong. Perhaps there’s another way to view my situation that would be better for me. Perhaps I don’t have to stay in the rut created by constant reinforcement.

This feels like good news to me. I try to open my eyes and heart further. What change could I make that would allow my life to be more peaceful, contented, even joyful?

The first thing that occurs to me is that I could remind myself that there are numerous ways to live in this world. This translates as, my way may not be the best or only way and others’ views might make more sense.

It takes some inner strength to say this out loud to myself. For whatever reason, it’s challenging for me to think I have it wrong, but what a wonderful opportunity it is for me to entertain this idea.

This whole concept is one of suspended belief and judgement. A sort of time out or pause, so that I can reconsider what I believe.

It’s a mind opening invitation I can give myself.

If I sit back and think about any given situation from a neutral position, maybe I’ll see a bigger picture, one that may offer me a wider view and provide space to see if what I believe still rings true.

It feels like a wise choice to make and I’m going to give it a try.

Posted on

Power Sources

The title to this post could imply many things. I’m curious, what was the first thing that popped into your mind?

Electricity, gasoline, wind, water, sun light, geothermal?

Or did you go a different direction?

Maybe politics, finances, athletics, social status, influence, popularity?

There are other avenues as well; food, animals, plants, bees?

And whereas all of these, and many more represent power sources, the ones I was thinking about were the internal ones that reside within us and the ones we gravitate to that exist outside ourselves.

Our cultural training offers us a host of options to choose from. Personally, I’ve found that many of these are quite unreliable. At first, they seem attractive, but they don’t offer much depth and can easily slip away.

Here’s an example.

One external power source that’s popular occurs when we listen to and value what others say to us instead of considering and deciding what we think and believe. Trading our power for the temporary power we receive from others does not seem beneficial or sustainable to me. Allowing the opinions of others to guide our lives may be helpful at times, but once we have a sense of who we are and where we want to go in life, it can be extremely counterproductive if we use it exclusively, rather than exercising our own internal power.

I admit that the power offered us by others can be very seductive. Receiving positive comments, congratulations and rewards can make us feel good, but if it happens in place of how we feel about ourselves, it robs us of our own power.

Comparing ourselves with others does the same thing, whether it’s about our weight, sales numbers, bank balances or popularity. Having someone, anyone else, determine our worth or value leads inevitably to a loss of our genuine power.

Shifting away from what others think, say, or do and embracing our own internal sources of power to enhance our lives is worth whatever amount of time it takes.

Creating our own sense of direction and pursuing our dreams and desires provides a pathway toward self-improvement. We can open doors into music, reading, connecting with others, writing, artwork, and all sorts of physical practices.

And during these experiences we can tell ourselves that we possess the ultimate power, which is the ability to use our free will to decide the course of our lives. We can set the stage for pursuing whatever direction we choose and can establish our own criteria for a satisfying life.

Holding onto our own power yields our best chance to create and experience whatever we choose, rather than be held captive to others’ expectations or demands.

Perhaps this feels like too much of a challenge to you. It could be that you’ve been conditioned to follow the lead of others and you strongly sense a need for support and guidance to help you exercise your own free will.

I have a suggestion for you if this is the case. It comes from my own life experience over the last twenty-six years. If you’ve read anything I’ve written, you can probably already guess what it is.

If you need guidance, aid, and support, I recommend that you begin by engaging with whatever your concept is for (god).

In my case, I have constant conversations with Lia, a feminine, ethereal part of (god) who talks with me and provides wise council, often opening my eyes to things I do not see clearly.

I can tell you with the certainty that comes from literally thousands of conversations that she loves and supports me. She offers clarification and insight and never attempts to ‘overpower’ me. In fact, she reminds me that I am in charge of my own life and am my own greatest power.

Should you want to have your own conversation with Lia or with whatever name for (god) that feels right to you, I encourage you to take just one step in that direction and see what happens. I believe there is enormous power inside you waiting to be released.

Posted on

Effective Affirmations

Is there a difference between types of affirmations? From my point of view there is a significant difference.

But before I explore this with you, I thought it might be helpful to start in the same place, with a workable definition of the word- affirmation.

According to one internet source there are two definitions of note. In the first case it is an action or process of affirming something. In the second case, it is a state of offering emotional support or encouragement.

From the beginning of my usage of dictionaries I’ve found it troublesome and annoying when the word you are looking to understand is used in the definition. It always makes me wonder what the dictionary writers were thinking?

Fortunately, in this case several synonyms were offered for the word affirmation; assertion, declaration, statement, guarantee, to name a few.

In popular culture there are many folks who use affirmations as a way of obtaining something in specific, an outcome they want to occur. It may be to improve their health, increase their money or investments, get a new or better job, find a spouse or friend, afford a new car or house or just about anything.

The focus becomes very directed toward a specific result. The process to achieve the desired outcome is generally to phrase an ‘affirmative statement’ in a way that confirms the wish, want or desire.

Inherent in the process is a conviction that whatever is the subject of the desire will in fact come about, so the language becomes an important part. In many cases that I am familiar with, the person making the affirmative statement does so in a way that states they already possess the desired outcome.

Here’s an example.

“I am wealthy, and money naturally and effortlessly comes to me.”

The expectation is that making this statement alone will produce the results the individual wants. There are of course different ways to phrase affirmations, but the idea remains that a definitive statement made to a perceived power source capable of granting the request, is expected to happen. The power source might be God, the universe, an angel, or something specific to the affirmer.

I do not subscribe to this style of affirmation and here’s why.

I do not believe we can deceive ourselves. We in fact know whether we are or are not wealthy and whether money ever comes naturally or effortlessly to us. We are eminently capable of detecting a lie, from others and from ourselves. If we are not wealthy, merely telling ourselves that we are does not make it true. This kind of affirmation to me is a deception and will rarely result in any type of success.

What do I propose instead?

I believe strongly that we are capable of creating and experiencing any kind of life we choose. We always know if we are leading the life we desire and cannot fool ourselves. What we can do is focus our attention and make statements of what we are willing to do in order to experience something specific.

For example, “I am becoming healthier daily by (insert the actions you are prepared to perform).”

Shifting from wishful thinking to an action-based affirmation contains real power. Identifying specific actions you are willing and prepared to take in support of your affirmation will create tangible results. As long as you take these actions consistently and modify (if necessary) you will experience your affirmation statement.

Using this kind of affirmation statement and taking action is a winning formula for success that you can rely on.

Posted on

Anger

I was sitting at my desk giving myself permission to follow any thought that came into my mind. I wasn’t reaching for a specific destination, just kind of waiting to see what would show up.

An image appeared. It was an old-fashioned typewriter, perhaps a Remington. For those unfamiliar with these, allow me to explain briefly. You have to insert a piece of paper, threading it carefully so that when you turn a knob, it the paper into view. Each time you hit the return arm, it advances the paper and returns its position to the far left. There are several rows of individual buttons with letters, numbers or characters and you have to depress them to print on the paper. As you depress a button a long metal arm raises up and strikes an inked cloth ribbon, which makes an impression on the piece of paper.

Using this kind of typewriter is more of an art than a science. If you happen to hit multiple buttons at the same time, the striker arms will lock together, forcing you to separate them and start over.

If you hit a wrong button, you have to correct your mistake, which would mean inserting a piece of ‘correct tape’ over the mistake and hitting the same button again to make the page white, ready for the correct letter.

Believe me, it was maddening if you were only a marginally capable typist like me. I remember needing quite a bit of correct type to fix my errors.

Recalling this, I discovered I was still in touch with how angry it sometimes made me.

The next image that came to me was somewhat bizarre. I imagined hitting a series of different buttons. Each time I hit a letter, I sensed a whole word appear and felt its depth.

H…helpless, F…frustrated, A…afraid, V…vulnerable, B…blamed, I…inconsiderate, D…danger.

What was happening? It took a moment to realize there was a pattern here. Each of these words represented a source of anger for me. I sat back to consider and saw more letters appear. I…insecure, O…oppressed, H…hopeless, M…mean, E…expectations.

Wow, the last one caught me off guard. It had more juice than the others. I wondered why?

To gain some clarity I decided to ask Lia, a divine feminine voice that offers me spiritual insight.

“What gives,” I asked, “can you help me understand my anger better?”

“Yes,” she responded adding, “anger is one of your egos most effective tools.”

“Really,” I questioned?

“Your ego’s chief role is to protect you. It’s important though to understand my use of the word ‘you’ here. Over the course of your life your ego has established firm boundaries. It does this to provide you with a sense of safety.”

“From whom,” I asked?

“From everything ‘not you’. To do this your ego builds what I’ll call ‘expectation models’. You create these models to determine what is acceptable to you. All things which do not fit within your expectation models are seen as ‘threats’ and will often manifest anger in you.”

“Are you saying that my sources of anger are triggers for me and that they arise because they’re identifying events outside my expectations of the way I think things should be?”

“Yes, exactly. All anger occurs when there is a gap between what you expect to happen (based on your expectation models) and what you think/believe you want to happen. The wider the gap, the greater the fear and consequently, the amount of anger that appears.”

“So, what I’m actually doing is protecting my self-image so that I feel safe, right?”

“Yes, although a part of you knows better. It senses there is a better way.”

“Which is,” I asked?

“If your aim is to live a joyful, contented, happy life, it would be wise to begin relaxing your expectation models. When a trigger arises, consciously recognize how you feel and decide if this feeling serves you in some way. Does it bring you joy? If it does not, make a conscious decision to release your anger, in favor of living a joy filled life.”

“Living a joy filled life is my greatest desire, so I’m going to do as you suggest. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.”

Posted on

Expectations

What do expectations do?

It’s been an intriguing question for me, and I’ve spent a great deal of time considering it. Considering, but not coming to any real conclusions…until today.

Expectations appear to jeopardize my success. They block my progress forward, making it harder to experience what I am hopeful about. They are harmful things because they are projections of an uncertain future and are not easily controllable.

When I create expectations there is a tendency to generalize them, which makes any evaluation of their success difficult. Worse still, I tend to attach my sense of happiness to them.

Expectations also create fear for me. Fear of not experiencing them exactly as I would like.

Often, I have a sense of what my expectations are, but I don’t write them down and recognize them. I don’t take specific actions steps to make them happen. I just expect them to occur on their own because that’s what I want. Truly, a recipe for failure.

I will be the facilitator of a retreat soon and I’m sensing an inner concern about meeting both the groups and my own expectations.

While considering this I feel guided to write down what I expect will happen. I come up with nine items and upon review, I notice that I have absolutely no control over the outcomes for five of the items and only limited control over the other four. I might be able to enhance the chances of meeting some expectations, but this seems entirely uncertain.

I also notice that if I allow my happiness to be conditional on successfully meeting my own and others’ expectations, I will be doomed to failure.

It becomes apparent that there are two key elements involved here. First, my setting any expectations, even if they are specific enough to be recognizable, creates a certain degree of fear. And second, it is evident that I have no real control over what will happen for any participant or for myself, which produces even more fear in me.

That’s when a beautiful thing happened.

I realize that in all cases, fear serves as a divine messenger for me. In this case it creates legitimate clarity because it brings home the message that neither setting expectations nor controlling outcomes is where I want to focus my attention.

Recognizing my fear allows me to widen my view, to take notice and to shift my awareness from what I can’t do to what I can do.

I can’t meet all of my own expectations nor those of others because I don’t have control over any outcomes. Life is too complex and fluid for that. And I can’t guarantee my happiness when it is tied to achieving all of my expectations. My vested interest if just too strong.

I can however release my perceived need for setting or accomplishing any expectations. I can embrace being present in each moment, realizing there is inherent value in simply loving myself and others and going with the flow of life.

When I am ‘in the moment’ and fully engaged I can be vested in the creation of depth of connection with and for others and myself. That’s when I experience joy and for me that’s what this world is all about.

Posted on

Releasing Expectations

Recently I noticed that I’ve been feeling like a prisoner, held captive by some of my expectations.

Have you ever experienced this? Has one of your expectations overwhelmed you, making it difficult to concentrate or focus energy on anything else?

I find this feeling very challenging and perhaps you do as well. I wondered what I could do about it and decided to ask Lia (an ethereal feminine voice of god that comes to me whenever I have questions I’d like answered). I felt I needed a breakthrough and wanted to know what she would tell me.

Her clear voice sprang forward, “It would be helpful for you to know that the basis of all your expectations comes from your cultural upbringing. As you grew up, important folks in your life placed expectations upon you, sometimes specifically and sometimes generally. Depending on your performance you received either rewards or punishments but were never entirely sure which it would be.”

I thought about this for a few minutes and decided that she was absolutely correct.

Of course, my next thought was, what can I do about this? I wondered what my options were and asked for some further guidance.

“At some point in your life, you came to the conclusion that decisions and choices were now up to you. You’d essentially grown past having to be told by others what direction to take. And yet, instead of rethinking setting expectations according to your own rules, you chose to continue your cultural training, allowing these preset decisions to guide your life.”

Yikes, that didn’t seem like a wise move on my part.

I couldn’t deny the truth of her statement. Surely it would be smarter to make reasonable and conscious choices about what to expect from myself and it would be a sound move to strip away any defaults that cause me stress and unhappiness.

So, how is this to be accomplished?

Lia chimed in, “Within each and every expectation there is the existence of that which serves you and that which does not. The simplest way to tell the difference is how they make you feel.”

I wondered, is it really possible to use ‘how expectations make me feel’ as a legitimate barometer? After all, is it truly possible to rely on ‘feelings’ as a measurement of success and forward movement?

I received a resounding “yes” from Lia.

And then this, “It is all about what you are aiming for. Ask yourself, what is most important to you?”

I came up with several answers.

Lia asked me whether my answers came from my feelings or my thoughts.

“Feelings,” I responded.

“It matters what you choose to release and what you choose to embrace. When you release others’ expectations and their attached rewards and punishments and consciously embrace your own softly held expectations which align with what is most important to you, your life will change enormously.”

I liked the sounds of that. A lot.

I needed one more clarification. “Softly held expectations?”, I asked.

“Yes,” Lia said, “softly held implies you allow for a range of outcomes and accept whichever occurs, knowing that each holds some value for you.”

I am so grateful for the release I feel. I am no longer a prisoner and can move about freely, knowing I have a choice. Thank you Lia for your wisdom.

Posted on

Giving In

What if we gave in?

I want to be clear here.

I am not talking about giving up or resigning from life. What I am talking about is a kind of letting go and not holding on so tightly to specific results.

When there is only one outcome that we find acceptable, we are limiting life and all the other wonderful opportunities that could happen. It’s as if we are creating roadblocks that prevent us from seeing and experiencing a larger world.

I’ve done this so many times in my life.

It’s hard not to. We are often programmed to want what we want. To set goals and achieve them. To create wish lists. To ask for very specific things; a certain car or watch or book…you name it. And sometimes we can even become obsessed by what we hope to possess.

We tend to think that we need to visualize or manifest only one thing or one outcome or we risk feeling like a failure.

So, what I’m really asking is whether we are capable of giving up this kind of thinking, this kind of asking, and this kind of expecting?

What if we gave in and it expanded our world?

Think of it as opening to a full allowance for everything to be possible, not just the one result our conscious mind can dream up. Our lives are so much bigger than that.

When I consider this, I wonder, what would that look like? How would that feel? What could happen if I could shift my attitude and mind-set?

My immediate answer is…anything could happen!

At first this sounds a bit scarry. ‘Anything’ is pretty wide open and could include things I’m not ready for. Perhaps this is one of the reasons we tend to want specific outcomes, so that we both get what we want and don’t get surprised by other things.

But how do we really know that what we think we want is what is best for us? I think the answer to that is, we don’t.

How could we?

And this begs another question, a far deeper one.

Will life, the universe, god, or whatever concept that feels right to you, provide whatever is best for us, if we give it a chance, and don’t shut the door and focus on only one thing?

Can we find a way to trust that?

That is a very tough question and one I’ve struggled with over the years.

What form of proof would you require before you could accept that what you experience in life is exactly right for you?

On my best days I am patient and open. I encourage myself to pay attention and carefully watch what happens. I counsel myself to accept what appears in my life, believing it is meant for me. I let go of what I’ve established as my goals, aims or desires and allow what comes to fill, feed and nourish me. When this happens, I recognize a greater truth, that I am cared for and all things in my life serve me. It may take a bit of time before I see how they do, but if I let go of my expectations, I come to see this clearly.

There is an awesome grace in giving in and letting go of whatever creates disharmony in our world and I am grateful each time I allow this to happen.

Posted on

Finding Things We Hide from Ourselves

Can we find what we can not see? And a deeper question, can we find what we will not see? By ‘will not see’, I mean what we won’t permit ourselves to acknowledge. We know something is there, but we willfully avoid looking at it.

It feels too threatening to us, so we shift our focus. After all, there are so many things that beg for our time and attention and it’s easy to tell ourselves we’ll get back to it when we have more time.

This happens to me quite frequently. It’s as if the hidden things want to see the light. They are insistent and return over and over until they wear me down and I feel forced to pay them heed.

One of my recurring themes is the idea of meeting others’ expectations of me. I need to be a bit more precise here. It’s not just about meeting others’ expectations of me; it goes further than that. It’s about meeting my ‘perception’ of others’ expectations.

This added challenge increases the difficulty for me, because I don’t really know what anyone else expects from me. I believe this is true, even if they tell me what they want, because they may not really know. The answer(s) may lie hidden and difficult to find.

It’s easy to see how unlikely it is for me to unravel this.

When I add my tendency to doubt myself, thinking I do not have the power or control to provide what they want, or my perception of what they want, it becomes harder still.

I also must confess that I take it one step further. I have another tendency, which is to overachieve. I not only want to meet my own and others’ expectations, but I also want to exceed them. This creates even more internal pressure. Far beyond what is reasonable or helpful. And it ultimately makes it more difficult to find the hidden meanings I’m searching for.

When I experience moments of clarity, I realize that overachieving is an attempt on my part to maintain or improve a vision of myself, whether necessary or not. It feels like I’m trying to prove my worth and that I am enough.

Before I began writing these posts, I decided that I would reveal what felt true for me, regardless of how it made me appear to whoever chose to read me. Honesty, within me and as expressed to you, is important to me. I want to be open, and I encourage you to do the same thing with yourself, in the hope that we can find some answers together.

So, the question that surfaces is, what to do next? Is there a remedy for uncovering what lies hidden from view within us?

I offer you this for your consideration.

Set aside your fear of the unknown. There is nothing inside you that is there to harm you. In fact, all hidden things are there to create light for your path forward.

Embrace a sense of trust, that you have an innate goodness. A goodness that can be directed first, toward yourself and second, toward others.

Ask for guidance from whoever or whatever you regard as sacred and divine. Ask for clarity and confidence in finding the hidden things. Ask for their meaning and purpose to be shown to you.

Open your heart and allow yourself freedom to choose to see what wants to be seen.

Release any need to control the outcome. Simply give yourself space for the worth of the hidden things to materialize in your life.

And, as much as is possible, believe that all your hidden things are there to serve you.

When they come, welcome them, and accept what they have to offer.

Posted on

Expectations, the Thief of Joy

It seems that I am constantly at odds with myself over the expectations I have. Does this happen to you too?

I set them up in my mind and then when they don’t come true as I expected, it creates a cascade of emotions. There is sadness, anger, disappointment, frustration, and confusion. All of them, thieves of joy.

I don’t like this part of my earthly adventure.

The obvious question I need to ask myself is, ‘why do I continue this thoroughly unenjoyable experience?’

There must be a better way.

Perhaps if I chose not to have any expectations about anything, maybe that would solve the problem. But how likely is that?

For me, not likely at all. I’ve tried this repeatedly without success. It ends with the same result. Even though I say to myself that I’m not going to care about the outcome of something, some part of me ignores this ‘suggestion’. It has already recorded my expectation and won’t let it go. So, when it becomes obvious that my expectation is unmet, it repeats the cascade.

I know this doesn’t make sense, but it is what happens. At least, most of the time.

I do believe that experiences, such as this, will continue to arrive in my life because they bear messages for me. They hint at things I would benefit from and that would improve my life. They come to offer me gifts.

So far, I’ve missed their value. And because of this, I continue to suffer. I realize this is my choice and that if I opened myself up, I might be able to see more possibilities and maybe some real answers.

How is this to happen?

I know there are numerous excellent self-help books that probably address this issue. They no doubt have many valuable suggestions to make and have provided a great deal of assistance to those prepared to try them. I sincerely congratulate those who read them and adopt their recommendations. It would be wise if I would join them, but something stops me.

It may not be the wisest approach for me to take, but it appears that I like to struggle. That may sound foolish, but I know it is the case with me. I have to personally confront whatever issue stands before me. I have to feel the weight of it. And, I have to wrestle with it until it breaks apart and shows me some truth.

So, I lay myself open and I ask for divine guidance to enter and assist me with finding a way forward.

And, what comes is this, I want joy. I want it as a centerpiece in my life. Joy goes far beyond happiness. Happiness is fleeting, but joy is truth. I believe each of us came here to earth filled with joy. It is a part of our natural state and a reflection of love.

I see how setting expectations puts limits on joy. It declares there is only one right solution and when it is not met, there is a price to pay. I see how setting expectations is looking for value outside of me. And my sense of satisfaction with life becomes dependent on what happens outside of me. Is there anything more fragile than this?

And so here is the message I’ve been waiting for. It is always about what is ‘inside’ of me. I can never reliably find what I’m looking for outside of me. This is at the heart of all my expectations, a desire to be fulfilled by what lies beyond me.

This will never happen because it is what is inside of me that matters. The wonderful news is that this is where all the good stuff is. We came here with all of it. If I close my eyes and slow my breathing and look inside and remember who I truly am, a part of the divine, I can awake to the knowing that I am made of love. I am whole and complete, just as I am. No outward fulfilled expectations will make me more than I already am.

So, when the next one comes, I will remind myself of this truth and release the expectation and in remembering to do this, will center on the joy inside of me.

Note: To make a comment, please click on the Post Name, then scroll to the bottom of the page, write your comment in the box and hit enter.