Category: reframe

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Biases

I wonder, how many of my biases am I in charge of? Can I escape any of them? Can I blame them on my cultural training or the belief systems I’ve adopted from those who’ve influenced me?

Part of me wants to accept this, but another part responds simply with an old-time expression which dates me, “what a cop out”, which loosely translates as, I’m in charge of my own decisions and can’t blame anything or anyone else. I have to own it.

I don’t like the way I feel when my biases get out of their cages. It rattles me and fills me with a sense of unhappiness.

It’s as if there is some tiny war being fought inside of me, with opposing forces that clash with no clear winner, just a repeating dynamic where one part is upset with a person or action, while another part preaches tolerance and acceptance.

I desperately want to break this cycle, but how?

To begin with, maybe it would be helpful to reframe my aim. Using the word, ‘break’, implies a struggle and I find that when any internal struggling is involved it creates its own challenge, because a part of me seems to know I can’t fix anything while still divided within myself.

I think, maybe I can shift my perspective and find a way to create a collaborative approach, one that seeks a peaceful solution, free from blame or shame. That feels better.

Where to start?

I wonder if it would help me to know where each bias comes from or why I still hold on to them.

I sit back and ponder this.

As with so many other things, I realize that trying to locate the source is a rabbit hole for me, a dead-end that only serves to delay addressing the real issue. Perhaps it works the same way for you.

A better way for me is to ‘head into the storm’ and focus on my bias directly. What are they really saying to me, what are they saying about me.

Why have I accepted some biases as truth? Why do some live inside of me, others do not?

I look at my biases one by one to see if there is some commonality that offers me insight and a way forward. I’m shocked by how unaccepting I can be of others’ behaviors. I didn’t think that kind of intolerance lived inside of me.

But it does.

I try to avoid blaming myself for it, knowing this will not help me or fix anything. In fact, it only complicates matters.

One striking similarity is that my biases represent my desire for others to conform to my belief system and to act the way I think they should.

WHAM! I feel the crushing weight of my word choice…SHOULD. I thought I’d dropped that word from my vocabulary, but no, it popped right out. I tried to retire the word…should…because it implies that there is only one acceptable way to do or see things and I don’t believe that. Given that I am trying to understand my predisposition regarding my own biases, it’s the perfect word to appear. It clearly shows me what I need to see.

All of my biases are about conformity with beliefs I’ve adopted. Whenever I observe actions or behaviors outside my limits, a bias kicks in.

Now I can shift my perspective and can consciously expand my range. I can loosen my hold over beliefs that don’t serve me or others. I can realize that rarely is anyone doing anything TO me. They’re just living their own lives, based on their own choices and it’s not necessary or helpful for me to have or exercise an opinion about their choices. Even more to the point, I don’t know what their life is like and have no reasonable basis for forming any opinions about them.

One final insight washes over me. It comes in the form of a question…what is the most loving action I can take?

The answer is clear to me. I can love them just as they are. That is certainly something I want to do, so I’m going to refocus my energy and try my best to do just that.

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What’s Your Mission

Something happened the other day and it really shocked me.

I listened to what I was saying and heard it in an entirely new way, and it made me wonder whether you’ve ever heard these words coming out of your own mouth…”I’m not doing this for the money.”

Or perhaps you may have said, “I didn’t take this job to become rich.”

Or maybe, “Somebody has to do this, so it might as well be me.”

It made me very curious, and I wanted to know what perspective would account for any one of these statements.

I repeated, “I’m not doing this for the money,” again and couldn’t help asking myself, “then why are you doing it?”

This seemed like an important question for me to answer. After all, isn’t it essential to know why you and I do things? What value is there in making a statement about why you or I are NOT doing something?

Isn’t it much better to spend our time exploring the reasons for our actions?

So, I shifted my mindset, and embraced the idea of affirming my positive reason(s) for taking specific actions in my life.

My statement, “I’m not doing this for the money”, in this case referred to my writing. I just finished my seventh book (Little Buddha Book Five), a feat I never in my wildest imagination thought was possible and felt I needed to declare what my motives were for these acts of creation.

I thought about this and focused my attention on what I WAS trying to accomplish and answered the following: ‘writing brings me alive, and through this process I give birth to characters and situations that inspires readers and invites them to explore and transform their lives.’

So, I ask you, if you’ve allowed yourself to focus on any statements that center on the negative, like the ones that began this post, is there a way for you to reframe them? Can you find a way to shift and discover or reveal the affirmative reason(s) why you ARE doing them?

I believe there are clear benefits to doing this.

For me, I could instantly feel a sense of power and connection arrive inside of me.

I believe each of us have many purposes for being here on earth. I guess I could even call them ‘missions’. And I don’t mean SOME of us do, I mean ALL of us. I believe you have specific talents that make you and your contributions unique in this world. And from where I sit, the world needs you and all of what you have to offer.

Imagine for a moment what wonderful things could happen in your life if you spent even a small amount of time dedicated to unveiling the reason(s) why you are here. And once they’re uncovered, you embrace them and show them off to your family, friends, coworkers…to the world.

Imagine how much this one act of revelation could change the direction of your life. My hope is that you feel drawn to this exploration.

Need a little nudge?

If so, sit back and relax. Breathe in and out slowly, extending the length of each breath. Intentionally open your mind and heart and ask for some inner guidance to show you a direction to travel. Ask to have an image displayed that feels like a part of your mission here. And once something comes into view, accept it, and embrace it. It doesn’t have to be extraordinary; it could be one small step in an important direction. If it calls to you, give yourself permission to follow and see what happens. It may just be exactly why you came here.

May it be so.