Category: wellbeing

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Am I A Victim

Am I a victim or do I have a choice?

That may seem like a simple question, but I don’t think it is, and here’s why.

It feels to me that the world tries to fill our heads with strong opinions about this and reinforces the whole idea of victimhood. So much so that it may be our first reaction. We simply accept ourselves as the victims of our circumstances.

When I sit back for a moment, I realize this may even be our default setting, an immediate prescribed reaction to events we encounter.

I wonder, how can this possibly benefit us?

My first thought is, it’s an easy escape. We don’t have to be held accountable and there’s usually someone else to blame. We don’t have to take any responsibility or even make changes to fix things.

We’re simply off the hook. After all, we’re the victim, aren’t we?

This whole thought process bothers me to my core. I understand why we might gravitate to this way of thinking, but to me no one is served by it. Not really.

I do not believe I came here to this earth to be a powerless victim of my own thinking or because of someone else’s actions.

Of course, I realize there are things outside my control. Lots of them. And many of them create situations I’d rather not experience. But that doesn’t mean I am powerless.

In fact, once it becomes obvious to me that I’m falling into the grips of victimhood, that’s the time for conscious decision making.

This starts with a giant step back and some deep breathing.

I need to take a wide view of the situation and truly consider all of the choices available to me.

I’m sure there are many ways to evaluate before choosing a path forward and everyone ought to use the one that offers them the best outcome- the one that works to achieve their ultimate benefit.

The question may be- how?

I have a suggestion you might want to consider.

Hang on, because it comes from a surprising place. As some of you know, I have certain recollections about heaven. I remember things and one of them is the ceremony that centered around me before I came to earth. During the ceremony I created a framework, a basic plan of things I wanted to experience. I think of it as my spiritual DNA. It remains flexible throughout my earth life, so I am able to make any changes I desire.

When I was constructing this basic plan, I chose to live in the world and be impacted by my cultural training, BUT I also chose to retain the ability to choose what best served me, despite what my culture believed.

In a way it doesn’t really matter if you decide to believe me about remembering heaven, because we all end up in this same place having to decide what path best suits us.

What I am suggesting is that we do not have to accept the ‘victim’ role. It is an option, not a requirement. It’s a choice.

We can acknowledge its presence, but give ourselves permission to make a better choice, one that serves our immediate and long-term aims.

I feel all decisions are open to me. I may not always like the immediate outcomes, but I do still have a choice, and I believe that it is always possible to find a wonderful path forward.

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Nothing For Granted

I’ve been thinking about how often I seem to take things for granted. Maybe this happens to you too.

I began wondering why. Could it be that my mind is just too busy with other things or is there something deeper going on?

There was a somewhat melancholy feeling running through me and words started flowing onto a page in my journal. I thought I’d share them with you, so that maybe together we could remind ourselves to take nothing for granted.

Nothing For Granted

Life is precious,

Sometimes staying in one place,

Sometimes leaping head.

I want to remember it all.

I wonder to myself about things,

About moments I experience,

What if this were my last hug,

The last spoke word I’ll ever hear,

What if this were my last sunset,

Last long soothing shower I’ll ever have,

Last delicious meal I’ll eat,

Or song I’ll hear,

Or walk I’ll take,

What if it’s the last firefly I’ll see light up

On a hot summer night,

Last starlit sky,

Last new spring green explosion of leaves I’ll see,

Or the last brilliant colorful autumn extravaganza,

What if it’s the last time I’ll feel the warmth of a cozy blanket,

Or the sunshine on my face,

What if this was the last time I’ll feel my wife’s lips against mine,

Would it change what it means to me

To be alive,

Would I treasure it,

Savor it,

Breath into it.

Would I try to hold onto it for dear life.

I wonder,

What do I want my life to be like.

So,

I sit with all of this

And let it wash over me

And I know what I want,

I want everything

To mean something to me,

Every sting,

Every fall and rise,

Every illusive dream,

Hurt, hope, every breath,

Every face and heart connection,

I want the whole collection of life,

Because it all matters.

And what I want most

Is to feel alive

And connected

And

I want to take nothing for granted,

Ever

I am curious what things you’d put on your list. Maybe you are too.

Be well.

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Blame

I have to admit it…being blaming for something is one of my least favorite things. I don’t like it when I AM the reason for something going wrong and get blamed, but I especially don’t like it when I am NOT the reason.

It seems so unfair, and it hurts. Partly I suppose because it damages my self-image.

And then there are the times I blame others.

One such instance happened recently. My wife and I were away and when we returned our driveway was full of snow. Okay, no problem, we’d just park in the road, I’d get the snowblower going and make quick work of clearing our driveway so we could park safely and unload our stuff.

The problem occurred in my very first pass down the driveway because underneath all of the snow was our newspaper which had been canceled while we were away. It wasn’t supposed to have been there. Naturally snowblowers and heavy newspapers do not get along. Before I could do anything, the newspaper was sucked into the snowblower and jammed beyond my ability to dislodge. Result = one useless snowblower and time to get some physical exercise shoveling.

My first reaction was yelling out loud. Not words exactly, but a lot of loud noise. This has happened before!

This reaction came with a great deal of blame. My wife had called the newspaper to cancel so they either didn’t cancel, or the newspaper carrier delivered one anyway. As far as I was concerned, the newspaper and carrier were both at fault.

And they were both the cause of several unfortunate results; having to shovel heavy wet snow, need to contact snowblower repair folks, cost of the repairs and length of time without it so that if it snows before I get it back, more shoveling for me. All because someone didn’t do their job.

I wanted to hold someone accountable. A part of me wanted them to have to pay for my inconvenience and the repair costs.

I confess it took a while for me to sit back far enough from the blaming to recognize what effect it was having on me. I was angry, frustrated and fuming, all things which prevented me from seeing clearly.

Once I gained a little distance, I saw how my upset was prolonging my negative feelings and delaying me from finding a resolution to the problem.

I had to stop and ask myself an important question. What if life is offering me something of benefit wrapped up in this problem? What if its value is far greater than the cost of the upset and the snowblower repair?

But what could that be?

I really had to work hard to shift my perspective. What made it possible for me was my ultimate belief that everything in my life actually ‘serves’ me in some way. Everything benefits me, no matter how it first appears. These ideas fueled my inner search.

I wondered, what if I accepted that sometimes things happen PERIOD. No one did it on purpose. No one was trying to harm or upset me. What if I just accepted that it happened and could be resolved? What if I did this quickly so that I avoided feeling angry and gave others the benefit of the doubt and didn’t blame them?

How would that change my world?

What if instead of blaming others I forgave them? How much would that save me from suffering? How much better would that be for my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing?

My answer is…it would fantastic. It would be an extraordinary decision.

I’m not saying that I’m adept at this yet. Clearly not. But what I did discover was that there is another way, a better way and hopefully I’ll choose that next time and save myself a whole lot of misery.

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An Important Look Back

It was three years ago yesterday that I began writing these posts and I’m surprised and delighted that I’ve been doing them twice a week since then.

When I sat and thought about this, I realized that a lot has happened in the world over the last three years, especially due to COVID. And whereas that was and is hugely impactful, it’s not the only thing that matters.

If I asked you, what would you tell me about what has happened in your life? What would make it onto your personal highlight reel?

Have you found or lost someone significant in your life? Been released from a job or signed onto a new one? Have you traveled? Read a good book that still captivates you? Learned something new? Added to your family? Grown taller or shorter? I’ve lost a half inch in height, maybe you have too.

There is so much going on in our daily lives, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. We get wrapped up in all of the little stuff and sometimes miss what we ourselves say is most important to us.

When I stop for a moment and broaden my view, I find it enlightening. Opening up to a longer time span helps me to put things into better perspective. So, when I recognized that I’ve been offering my commentary through these posts for three years, I wanted to settle back and take a look at some highlights, and perhaps learn something important about myself.

I decided to write down some events and see if any patterns emerged.

Maybe you’ve done this same thing or perhaps you’d like to do it now and join me in a little life review.

Before I share some of my observations with you, I’d like to suggest a framework for us to use. It consists of four parts: 1) physical wellness, 2) human relationships, 3) creative expression and 4) spiritual connections. Of course, please feel free to use whatever framework you find most comfortable and let it guide your way.

During the last three years I’ve experienced a significant increase in my attention to my physical health and wellbeing, especially over the last year. Visiting my mom at the Nursing Home twice a week clearly had an impact on me and shifted my attention. I’ve made radical changes to my approach to health and have adopted many new (and better) practices to support my wellbeing.

While reviewing for highlights I recognized how fundamentally important human relationships are to me. Being with family and friends, sharing adventures, eating, laughing, traveling, doing arts and crafts, and just plain old spending time doing nothing together. The act of connecting is both sacred and special to me and a center piece of my existence. Despite some sadness in losing folks, there is great happiness and joy in connecting with those who are here, knowing there is deep love between us.

The last three years has been filled with meaningful creative expressions for me. During that time, I wrote three books, co-created an oracle deck, directed, and participated in a play performed at our church, and opened wide to my artistic self, creating what I consider to be beautiful acrylic art pours.

When I had finished focusing on these three aspects, I shifted my attention to the spiritual part of my life. When I am deeply connected spiritually, everything else in my life glows radiantly. Knowing I am part of the divine essence of creation (as are you) allows me to give and receive with joy and love in my heart. This is my lifeblood and I daily nourish my spiritual relationships and connections. This is what gives my life its meaning and value and I am a much better human being because of it.

So, what did you learn during your review? Are there ripe places to be explored? Gaps to be filled in? Wonderful, meaningful ideas to be pursued?

I hope that you found this to be as enlightening an exercise as I did and gained some valuable insight and inspiration.