Tag: experience

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Limitless

My friend, Cheri Warren and I, created a Four Word Question Deck for Self-Discovery. It’s based on an Instagram series of four-word questions I created and beautiful background pictures Cheri designed. We created a 52-card deck that asks questions with the intention of serving as a springboard for going deeper into your inner awareness. They act as a kind of prompt for your intuitive side to tune into knowledge and wisdom you don’t normally experience. If they sound like something you’d be interested in purchasing, information is available at the end of this post.

The reason I’m mentioning this at the beginning of the post is that I recently shuffled through the deck and randomly selected one card to focus on. It read; “is your life limitless”.

I’ve pulled several cards in the past for review since we made the deck and each time it starts out as a mystery why the card appeared. I began with an assumption that they would always make immediate sense to me, but they don’t. And now that I’ve had a chance to reflect on it, I’m glad they don’t, because it encourages me to engage more deeply with them.

In this case, my first reaction to the card, “is your life limitless” was that it depends on what I choose to believe about the whole concept of limitlessness.

I could defer my choice and allow my cultural training to govern my answer and my life path, or I could make an entirely different decision. It was difficult for me to get beyond the idea that my answer has to be, ‘no, my life is not limitless’, regardless of how much I want it to be otherwise.

There are in fact plenty of limits for me to contend with. I have obvious physical, emotional, and mental limits. I cannot defy gravity and fly on my own. I cannot imagine being able to emotionally handle losing family and friends because of a war or other tragedy. And I cannot understand calculus or quantum physics. There also happens to be other significant things I feel limited in performing, which makes me wonder how the answer could be anything but, ‘no’.

And yet I want my answer to be ‘yes, my life is limitless.’

How can I justify this outrageous claim?

I thought about this for quite a while and asked myself, what are my life limits? Can I become a millionaire, walk on the moon, travel around the world, be kind to everyone I meet, sit under a waterfall in the mountains?

It occurred to me that one of the values of considering this question is because it assists me in determining what’s important enough to me to push my limits. Sure, it’s easy to see I have defined limits, but am I allowing my assumptions about them to control the outcomes I experience in my life?

The answer to that for me is ‘yes, I am’. So, I have to wonder, why is this my choice? Am I afraid to push beyond what I believe is possible? How is that worthwhile for me?

So, despite my initial reaction to the appearance of this card, that of course my life is not limitless, I want to shift my awareness and make a conscious choice to test my limits to see which of them are real. I want to collect up all of my assumptions, place them in a bag and tie a tight knot at the top so they can’t escape.

I want to explore the magnitude of my capabilities. How else will I ever know what my actual limits are? If I answer too quickly, I know I will feel smaller than I am. If I listen to everyone else around me, I will fall prey to those who don’t want me to experience too much success. And, if I resist trying to grow, I fail before I even begin.

The value of this card has shown itself to me. Within these four words there lies the promise of expansion outward into the greater world. My life may not be entirely limitless but there is still so much beauty, magic, and radiance for me to experience.

In my heart, I believe the same is true for you.

Should you be interested in purchasing your own Four Word Question Deck for Self-Discovery, please visit my website:

www.messagesforinspiration.com and click on the Four Word Question tab, then click on the picture of the box. From here you can place your order directly.

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Post #291 Love Bucket List 07162023

Recently I wrote a post and mentioned that I’ve had a bucket list for a long time and have had the opportunity to accomplish many of the items on it. Of course, I keep adding new things, which probably means it will never be complete. I’m okay with that.

You may have your own bucket list and be working your way through the joys of checking things off and loving the experiences you’ve chosen. I certainly hope so.

What struck me the other day was that I want to create an entirely new kind of bucket list. One that reaches deep within me, all the way to my core. It’s a bucket list filled with actions I take that connect me with others. Each action is powered by love, asking nothing in return, simply extending the love I feel inside me and offering it outward into the world.

My whole life I’ve heard that love is the most powerful, valuable, important thing in our lives. I’ve heard sermons, read books, seen movies, all focused on love. I’d be willing to bet you’ve encountered the same thing.

The downside of this for me is that what I hear and see is too generic, too ethereal, or too subtle.

I recognize it’s very difficult to capture the essence of love. It’s such a huge concept. How can anyone measure its depth, explain its mystery, or share its wonder?

Perhaps it can’t be done. But what I think can be done is to live it and show it through my actions. This is the reason I decided to create a Love Bucket List.

I’d like to share some items that showed up on my list with you.

One) when speaking with anyone, look into their eyes and connect with them.

Two) when someone is sad, offer them sympathy, not just with words or a card, but with a light touch, a hug, or a reassuring glance.

Three) when someone is hurting, regardless of the reason, offer empathy and a shoulder for them to cry on.

Four) encourage myself to offer acts of kindness no matter their size, because they all mean something to the receiver.

Five) forgive before being asked for forgiveness, allowing your heart to be wide open and free.

Six) offer compassion to everyone you meet along your path, knowing life can be difficult and beyond one’s limits.

Seven) extend warmth and caring in simple acts, like buying lemonade from a child or opening a door for someone.

Eight) remember you come from love and return to love so that you can assist others during the tough times they face, offering reassurance that, in the end, all will be well.

Nine) walk next to others, not ahead or behind, but next to them, offering support and comfort for their journey.

My list continues from these beginnings, taking on a life of its own and allowing me to extend further and further into my heart and back out into the world.

When I reread this list another important thought occurred to me. These items appear to be extensions of myself in an outward direction, but I also need to extend love inward, to my own heart. I need to support my own growth and treasure my own inner essence.

I have come to learn that love is a deep well connecting me to my divine source. When I depend solely on my own strength and power, I quickly experience an exhaustion of what I have available to me, but when I sit still and go within and connect directly with the divine, I am never exhausted and there is always love present, both for me and for the world.

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A More Complete Diet Plan

It certainly seems to me that there is no agreement about the best or perfect diet plan to follow. A casual glance reveals an incredible variety of approaches including ketogenic, Mediterranean, low-carb, Veganism, Carnivore and Paleolithic. I could easily name ten more I noticed during thirty seconds of research.

If you factor in specific issues and concerns, the complexity multiplies. We face so many varying physical challenges; diabetes, heart disease, dementia, cancer, allergies and so many more, all calling for modifications to any plan we choose.

It can easily become mind-boggling.

In wondering where to turn for wise counsel we seek out experts. Unfortunately for us, there are experts for every conceivable diet plan. Each has a set of facts to support their position, making it all but impossible to know what path to take.

Adding to this we may find that it is difficult to stick with whatever we do choose. Some diet plans are too restrictive or complicated or cut out all of the foods we like making it very difficult to adhere to them.

I am not a professional in the field nor would that ever be a claim I would make. It is always advisable to discuss all of your specific issues with a qualified medical professional.

What I am is a person who generates a lot of questions. I have found throughout my life that asking good questions prompts me into action, and action is what drives me forward. I am someone who tries to think into and out of issues so that I can offer perhaps a broad range of considerations which might be helpful to you.

For me, the primary question to ask before choosing any path is, ‘why’? What do you personally hope to experience? Weight loss, a fuller life, improve specific aspects of your health or simply look and feel better? Through my personal experience and that of others I know, I have come to realize that without answering the question, ‘why?’, it’s very difficult to apply any plan selected.

I sense it is also critical to take into consideration each aspect of myself; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. If I am missing any one of these, I’m unlikely to experience success.

Before I choose a diet plan (or any other important decision) I spend time having an inner dialogue and allowing my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual selves to voice their concerns and desires. This may sound unusual to you, but sitting back and focusing on each voice provides an opportunity to flesh out my ‘why’ and any challenges which might make it harder for me to succeed.

It also feels important to me to define what ‘success’ means to me because I have little doubt we all end up expecting certain things to happen no matter what decisions we make. Keeping our expectations reasonable and realistic will surely assist us in reaching our aims.

Once you know your ‘why’ and have listened to your inner voices for direction and given some thought to your version of success, it becomes very important to create an action plan.

No matter what diet plan you’ve chosen, there are steps you’ll need to take to shift from what you’re doing presently to how you’re going to implement your new plan. Releasing old patterns and adopting new ones requires some will power.

Is it easy for you to alter your perspectives and habits or will this create major hurdles for you? I believe this is where your ‘why’ comes into play. Once you’ve answered the question of ‘why’, hopefully you’ve armed yourself with positive motivations you can use to overcome any challenges or difficulties you encounter. Having important physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual reasons for your choices gives you power and offers you your best chance for the success you desire.

Whatever you decide, I hope you experience a wonderful life.

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No Compete Clause

Are you a competitive person?

I wonder how quickly you were able to answer that question. As quickly as others might be? If you’re wondering, you probably are competitive.

I know that I am, even though it’s not across the board or evenly divided between things. Being honest, I would not say it was one of my better traits.

It’s lead to both positive and negative outcomes. I needed it for the workplace, to survive and thrive. But I don’t actually need it during my day-to-day life and often find that it works against me.

When I feel I need to be the fastest, smartest, most hard working, funniest or anything else, I’ve come to the conclusion…I lose.

If I pay closer attention, I can easily see that by feeling the need to be better, I set up a competition between myself and someone else and there is usually a clear winner and loser. Someone is always going to be unhappy.

I’m no longer a fan of this process. Instead, I’d like to find a way for everyone to be mutually satisfied.

I want to borrow an idea from the legal community. Instead of the title I’ve given this post of ‘no compete clause’, there is a legal document known as a ‘non-compete agreement’, whose purpose is to prevent an employee from competing with their prior employer. The employee is prohibited from certain things, such as revealing proprietary information or stealing clients.

It’s a way of limiting competition and that’s what I’d like to do for myself.

As I thought about this, I wondered how I could manage to rein myself in. I wondered how I was going to be able to go from being pretty competitive to valuing mutual happiness. It didn’t seem realistic to believe I could make this switch in one step, so I decided to break it down and start slowly.

I wondered, what if I choose a relatively short period of time and committed to a ‘no compete clause’, where I consciously decided to release any inner drive to ‘compete’ with anyone about anything? Could I see myself being able to do this? And, if I did, what would the results be? Would it impact me in a favorable way?

So, I decided to begin today and focus on this one simple idea and see where it takes me.

Early this morning I went to the YMCA to workout. Swimming in the pool drew my interest first, so I put on my bathing suit, grabbed my towel and flip-flops, and headed through the glass door to the pool. Incredibly, there was one open lane, so I jumped in and began backstroking my way to the other end. You might assume this free swim would not invoke any competitive urges in me, but that’s where you’d be wrong. Every time I’m in a swim lane, something inside me wants to get to the other end faster than the people in the lanes next to me.

I’m a reasonably good swimmer, but certainly not as fast as most of those at the pool. But ordinarily that doesn’t stop me from trying. And yes, there is a part of my brain that screams at me, saying, ‘what are you doing, they’re not racing you, you silly fool’?

Because I’m challenging myself to find a better way of moving through this life, and I’ve committed today to not competing, I tried to ignore the other swimmers. It was hard at first, but then something else took over my thoughts. The force that usually attempts to ‘win,’ released itself and gave in.

It surprised me and created real joy inside of me. I felt free, liberated from one of my customary competitive rules. I allowed myself to be aware that other swimmer surrounded me but was unconcerned with their speed or position. I allowed myself to feel the cool softness of the water, the strength in my arms and legs, the distance I was covering, the sensations of my environment.

It felt like winning without competing.

It encourages me to consider how this might apply to other aspects in my life. I wondered; how could I continue my idea of the ‘no compete clause’?

Now that it’s here, I think there will be numerous ways to use and profit from this. If this appeals to you, I hope you profit as well.

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Staying In Your Own Lane

It’s interesting to me how various phrases come into our working vocabulary. One I’ve recently heard is the phrase, ‘stay in your own lane’, by which the person generally means, mind your own business, and stop interfering in mine.

There can be especially troublesome moments, at work and in other settings, when someone who has an insufficient knowledge or ability to handle things, attempts to interject themselves in tasks that are not assigned to them. Although it’s difficult to redirect these folks, it’s often necessary in order to inform them that you have things covered and it’s your job, not theirs.

Overstepping is particularly challenging when the person refuses to stop, either by their intentional or unintentional actions and it may require supervisory intervention.

Why all this focus on ‘staying in your own lane’?

The answer is, because I’ve been having conversations with Lia, an ethereal feminine voice of god who has been offering me wisdom and guidance about this very subject, but from an entirely different direction.

How so, you may ask?

It all started with a conversation about the challenges I felt about being able to stay connected to the divine. What I want most in my life is to feel a direct, unwavering, deep connection with the divine, so that the whole of my life revolves around it.

What I discover on a daily basis is that there are numerous distractions that push or force or entice me away from this straight line. There are so many of them that I easily get caught up in them and lose my focus. Although I tell myself that they are worth my attention, what really happens is that they sap my strength and dissipate my power, which makes it difficult and near impossible to maintain my true aim, union with the divine.

I cannot stay in my own desired lane.

No outside force is doing this to me. They may try, but because I have free will, whatever happens is either because I allow it, or I choose it.

Of course, I turned to Lia and asked for her guidance. Here is what she told me.

“Until you practice ‘staying in your own lane’ (in my case, paying attention to my most important aim of deeply connecting with the divine), you think it is not possible, but as you practice, you see that it is possible. When a distraction arrives (anything I initially perceive as not heading me toward the divine), the first and most essential step is to take notice of its arrival. Spend a moment truly seeing it for what it is, an opportunity to teach you something valuable. Allow it to offer you its insight, thank it, then move back into your lane.”

I wondered if there was more. There was.

Lia continued, “Distractions are not permanent, but rather temporary events, guideposts to help redirect you with a greater awareness, and improve your focus.”

That made sense to me, especially if after some practice, it became a relatively quick process for me. If I could make the choice to acknowledge them, see their value and release them, I would easily be able to return to my straight path and then stay in my lane.

I expressed a deep sense of gratitude to Lia for sharing these valuable insights with me and I hope they are of worth to you as well.

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Endings and Beginnings

It occurred to me recently that there are a lot of examples of endings in my life. Some of them are okay with me, but others are filled with sadness. Perhaps you face the same thing in your life, despite our examples being different.

I’ve been spending a great deal of time preparing for a garage sale that my daughter, Jenny and I are having soon. It involves a huge number of decisions on my part. Maybe like others, my basement is a certifiable disaster area. Years ago, we had a flood and I had to throw out a ton of stuff but felt other things would be safe. It turns out, they weren’t. Over the years they’ve acquired a terrible, damp, moldy smell and they have to go.

Fortunately, there are salvageable items. Enough so that I had to make literally 50 trips from the basement to the garage.

Among the items were my golf clubs, which generated my first ‘ending’. I’ve kept them in the basement even though I haven’t played in years and am unlikely to ever play again. But I kept them there because I wasn’t ready to admit to myself that I was done playing. I have very pleasant memories of playing golf, being out on the course, walking on the freshly cut grass, among family or friends, sharing both the good and bad shots. Even though my back won’t tolerate playing any more, I was reluctant to give them up. It was too sad an ending for me.

On several racks, taking up a lot of space, was all of my camping gear. My best friend, Doug, and I did a great deal of camping and canoeing together, and we both loved it. Being out in nature, testing ourselves and our skills against the challenges, was a wonderful experience. To put these things in the trash or the garage sale meant I was done with them. That it’s over. More sorrow for me.

There are other endings that surround me.

When I was seventeen and on my high school’s JV soccer team I was on the field and got hit directly in the face with a soccer ball. It hurt but I recovered. Unfortunately, my two front teeth took the brunt of the force, and both were damaged. Over the years they discolored and a couple weeks ago, my left front tooth had to be extracted. I’m now left with a big gap until it can be repaired. The surgery and recovery were quite painful, and I really miss my tooth. I can’t bite anything with my other front tooth at this point, so have to cut up my food. I miss eating like I used to, and it feels like an ending to me.

Other endings surfaced when I started thinking about this topic. Among them are the loss of friends, whether to cancer or suicide or moving away. No matter the reason, it’s hard to take because they each represent an ending to me and are filled with sadness.

I needed to sit back, to pause and consider, what does all of this mean to me? Where do I put the pain, sorrow, and sadness? What other way might I see this to gain a different perspective?

The answer that showed up was, that all endings are also new beginnings. Or they can be if I allow and encourage them to be.

I wondered what I would have to do to make this real. Perhaps it was as simple as telling myself it would serve me best to make the shift.

So, I sat and consciously, intentionally, reviewed each ‘ending’ and reframed them as new beginnings. I recognized that I could get lost in the sorrow of each of my endings, but I could also shift my perspective and view them as new beginnings and the start of new adventures.

I decided to give my golf clubs to my grandson, Evan, so that they can be his and that he can have a bit of my legacy. I decided that although I wouldn’t be camping outside in the same way as before, I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted. There are thousands of VRBOs and Air B&Bs available to me. I decided that even though I have lost some friends, I am capable and desirous of making new friends and sharing new adventures with them. And I’ve committed to believing that there will be good bone growth, so that a new tooth (crown) can be placed where there is currently a gap, restoring my dental health.

What I discovered, while allowing myself to feel the full weight of the sorrow of some endings, was that I have other choices too. I can release the sadness and embrace the enchantment of new beginnings, making my world a better place for myself.

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A Long Walk

You may remember, if you’ve been reading my posts lately that I’m going to take a very long walk on August 19, as a part of a challenge I’ve offered myself. Along with my son, we’ll be walking a local rail trail from end to end and back, a total of 18-19 miles.

In preparation, I thought it would be a good idea to get in some practice walks, so a few days ago I set out with my lunch, snacks, plenty of water and a few other things stuffed in my backpack. I had a route planned but wasn’t exactly sure what length it would cover.

It turns out it was just over 8 miles in length. I felt very happy that I could walk that distance in my first time out.

Surprisingly, my walk revealed several things to me, unrelated to the challenge to come and I thought I would share a few of them with you.

The central focus was about being present while I was walking.

I discovered that there is such a difference between driving and walking. Driving is certainly a great way to get from place to place quickly but you generally sacrifice not seeing what you are passing. Walking offers you a chance to slow down and notice things. You can pause and consider and explore.

The main road I was walking on extends straight for about three miles. At one end I stood trying to see all the way to the opposite end. I couldn’t. As I walked, I would occasionally stop and look behind me at where I’d been and then ahead to where I was going.

I found it a curious thing to consider, because we are always somewhere in the middle of our journey here on earth. We can only see just so far. I wonder, would we want it any other way? I’m not sure I would, because the mystery and magic of not knowing, of being surprised by the next turn or path change might rob me of some powerful source of wonder.

As I continued on, I became aware of the stores, offices and houses I was passing, each with their own personalities. I wondered, were the color choices deliberate? Did their owners make them in order to attract those passing by?

I also wondered about the various signs they posted out front of their properties or in their windows. Ads tempting me to buy sugary drinks, tasty foods, quick deliveries, caring medical services, beneficial financial products. I thought about what I was drawn to and how easily I am influenced by advertisements. I believe I was much more effected because I was walking and could take my time to consider. When I’m driving, I don’t notice things as much, since I’m more interested in getting where I’m going.

This raised several questions in my mind; how do we ‘market’ ourselves, what signage would I put up to ask others to choose me, and what reasons would I offer them?

Another thought came to me.

What if I chose to walk everywhere, or at least to all of the places relatively close to my home? As I considered this, it occurred to me that within easy reach are my chiropractor, attorney, bank, eye care, doctor, grocery store, restaurants. Why do I always choose to drive to them? Is it because I save time or that I’m too lazy to walk instead? What would I gain if I walked? Better exercise, save the planet a little from my car emissions, notice more about the world I live in?

I also realized that slowing my pace by walking allowed me to be much more observant. I noticed so many beautiful flowers, the patterns in the way the grass was cut in yards I passed, the look and feel of the woods along the sides of the roads and how so many vines drape themselves from the branches. I noticed the condition of the houses and wondered what that suggested about the folks who lived there and the lives they lead. I noticed the speed of the drivers and how they occupied themselves while waiting at the intersections for the light to change.

I discovered that slowing my pace provided me the opportunity for some empty space to show up inside of me. Space I didn’t rush to fill. I just left it there, liberated, and free.

Perhaps, if you get the chance, some mystery and magic is waiting for you when you take your next long walk. I certainly hope so.

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Adjectives

If you were offered the opportunity to choose a set of adjectives to describe yourself, what would they be?

Maybe like me, you’re a little foggy about the meaning of the word, adjective. Here’s a bit of help.

An adjective is a word that modifies or describes a noun (a word used to identify a person, place, or thing) or pronoun (identifying a specific person, place, or thing).

Adjectives can be used to describe the qualities of someone or something independently or in comparison to something else. For example, my sister is older than me (not that she admits it freely) or Einstein was smarter than the average scientist.

So much for the grammar lesson (not my favorite, and maybe not yours either).

So, back to my original question. What words did you choose? And, perhaps even more interesting, why did you choose the words you did? If you were asked, are they words you believe currently apply to you or maybe they are ones you’d like to apply to you in the future.

I remember once in high school, I found a long list of adjectives and decided to ask several of my friends to check off which ones they felt described me. I’m not sure if I tried to choose the ones I thought applied to me or just reacted to the ones they chose.

It was enlightening to run through their lists and compare them with each other and with what I thought about myself. As I recall, not all of them were ‘positive’ words, meaning I didn’t like the way they felt to me. Some of them were downright objectionable, but most I thought were pretty nice and I came away feeling good about myself.

I wonder what would happen if I repeated this exercise today?

Would I take it personally if I didn’t like all of the words they chose? Would it alter how I felt about them? Or how they felt about me?

How prepared would I be to accept their view? How prepared would they be to give me an honest assessment?

Sometimes we don’t want to know what other folks are thinking about us. It could be too threatening, and it could expose our vulnerabilities, bringing them to the surface. I think very few people would willingly choose to want that.

If you’ve been with me for a while, you know I always do whatever I’m asking you to do, so here’s my list.

Self-reliant, resourceful, loving, caring, helpful, creative, organized, funny (both intentional and unintentional), devoted, headstrong, resistant to authority, driven, too concerned about what others think, a dreamer.

I realize it’s a mixed bag and probably always will be. Notice I didn’t add the word, ‘perfect’. I acknowledge that there will always be room for me to improve (in my eyes and others) and grow and learn. I accept this as the truth.

What do you think your list says about you? Are there some hints available to you? And, now that you’ve done this once, might you want to repeat it and see what changes?

It dawned on me that my list contains words that came out of traumas in my life, especially the first two (self-reliant and resourceful). Something about my upbringing and adaptation to my cultural training encouraged (or the word could be, ‘forced’) me to look inward for my own guidance and support. I felt I could not entirely trust that I would be taken care of in all the ways I thought I needed, so I decided to be my own ‘boss’ and resolve whatever problems came my way, largely without the help of others.

It’s funny to me how, taking a good look at the adjectives I chose, they shed a great deal of light on how I live in this world and the decisions and choices I make. I wonder, is the same true for you

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Fatherhood

It’s not often that one of my posts lands on a calendar day of celebration, but it does today, Father’s Day.

It provided me with a chance to pause and reflect about what it means to me to be a father and grandfather. For that matter, I also considered what it means to be a son, in relationship to my own father.

I realize that not everyone has a wonderful relationship with their father. I’m sure there are lots of reasons for this. Conflicts seem inevitable in every relationship and when you add in the father’s and children’s expectations, it can become pretty challenging.

I have a great deal of compassion for those with relationships that have gone off the rails, regardless of the causes. And I hope that enough of the conflicts can be worked out, so that there can be a restored sense of love and caring.

As I thought back about my own life, I came to realize something that surprised me. My first inclination was to think about what a father ‘does’. His active pursuit. How he is directly involved and the proactive steps he takes. The ways he participates in the lives of his children.

But that’s only half of the story to me.

Beyond this ‘active’ portion of fatherhood, there is another aspect that feels extremely important to me. I’ll call it a ‘reflective or responsive’ way of living and relating to one’s children.

I’d like to share some examples with you of things I’ve encountered along the way as a father. I’m not saying that I’ve always done them all or done them well but having a focus and an aim has certainly helped me, and hopefully helped my children.

Most all of them relate to being a good role-model, especially while reflecting and responding.

I start by ask myself whether I am prepared to learn from my children, not just be their teacher? As a father, am I prepared to receive, as well as give, providing space for my children to grow, expand, and exercise their love for me and for others?

Can I be a sponge, soaking up their lives, as they live and pour themselves into the world, sometimes in messy ways?

Can I be the source for tolerance, giving them room to share their own convictions, opinions, and choose their own directions?

Can I help them set a firm foundation, where truth is valued, honesty is exchanged, support is given, listening becomes the key and acceptance is encouraged?

It’s a great and wonderful thing to be a dad. It’s also a huge responsibility because it calls for so much from me. My inner sense of love and devotion is my source of power and I find that it is constantly renewing every time I’m with them or think about them.

I wonder to myself, can I help them soar and watch with delight as they spread their own wings, trying new ideas and changing directions?

Can I hear what they are saying without feeling a need to react from my own life experiences, opinions, and values? Can I accept that they have their own dreams and desires and once I know about these, can I support them, even if I feel differently?

Can I offer guidance without strings attached, so they can embrace what feels right and worthwhile to them, without fearing I will be upset or disagree with their direction and choices?

Can I show love regardless of any decisions they make and keep my heart open, so they know I am always available to them and always love them?

All of these questions are important to me because my children are not here to serve as extensions of me. My children are here to live their own wonderful existence.

The most beautiful part of fatherhood to me, is that I have the opportunity to live side by side with them, joined in love. It truly is a most wonderful gift for me, and I hope it is for them as well.

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Adversity

What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear the word adversity? Do you attach an immediate feeling to it? If so, is it a positive or negative sense?

I’d be willing to bet that the word adversity has a negative connotation for you. According to an internet source the word adversity comes from the Latin word ad versus, which literally means “turned against” and figuratively means “hostile or unfavorable.” The example that’s given to illustrate this is that when things seem against you — circumstances or a stroke of bad luck — you are facing adversity.

How often would you say you encounter adversity in your life?

I wonder if each one of us could say- every day!

Does it seem possible to experience a day without some form of adversity? Imagine, you get up late, are stuck in traffic or a long line at a check-out counter, your boss is in a bad mood, you don’t know what to have for dinner, there are too many activities to go to during your day, you are feeling physically or emotionally drained, or mental fatigued. The list can be pretty daunting some days.

There are folks who will tell you to just settle down and not get so bothered, after all none of your issues are…as bad as theirs or others in the world. So much for unhelpful advice.

When you are faced with some form of adversity what do you do? Where do you turn for help? Perhaps you have a trusted family member or friend who dispenses good, sound, wise counsel. If you do, you are very fortunate. If you don’t have someone in your life like this, maybe you’d like a few hints.

As with any advice offered it has to feel right to you, so please take what works and ignore the rest.

I read a quote from Maya Angelou that feels like a very helpful place to start.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”

Admittedly, she is taking a proactive stance and is acknowledging a perceived end benefit where adversity is a good thing. She draws out the benefits and offers encouragement. However, this might not feel true to you during your encounter with what feels like adversity to you.

I think that is what’s most difficult about this process. It requires a shift before things feel better. When you are down, unhappy, or depressed, shifting can be too difficult.

Perhaps it would be more helpful to start closer to the beginning. When adversity strikes, consider stepping back a bit to gain a clearer view. Take an honest look at your situation. Is the issue inside or outside of you? What do you know about what’s happening? Can you see it from different directions than your own? Are there a range of reactions for you to choose from on how to move forward? Are there skills you could work on that would help you?

I derive a lot of lessons from simple things in my life when I’m paying attention. I was looking out at the backyard through my screened porch. I noticed the view was unclear because I was standing too close to the screen. As I stepped back, the view changed and become much clearer.

I think adversity is like that. The closer you are, the more difficult it is to see, so that when you take a step back, you gain better perspective.

It also helps to let go of your first reaction, especially if it is keeping you stuck in negativity. Sometimes I have to tell myself that it isn’t ultimately helpful to be in that place. So, I invite myself to suspend those feelings temporarily, so I can investigate my other options.

Can I see anything beneficial for me? Are there simple things I can do that would change my situation, even a little? Are there others who might be willing to help me if I reach out? Is there anything for me to be grateful for? Can I develop some useful skills by recognizing I am often stronger and more resilient after the hardship is over?

How I answer these questions makes all the difference to me. I suspect the same might be true for you too.