This morning I gave myself permission to feel disappointed. I didn’t fight it or try to tell myself I shouldn’t feel this way.
I am human and I want to feel loved. Part of this, for me, is that when I give love out, I hope for it in return.
I don’t give love with an expectation or at least I try not to. I don’t want there to be any strings attached. I try to let love overflow through me, as naturally I am able.
But once it is given out, I recognize there is some part of me that waits to see if any of it will come back to me and I admit, this part of me is sad when it doesn’t.
Do you ever feel this way?
The permission I give myself allows me to lean into the sadness, recognizing I cannot outrun it. By leaning in I hope to discover something, perhaps something worthwhile enough that I can keep it with me for the rest of my life.
I sense there is value beyond the sadness, a hidden treasure for me to find which is even more powerful than the love I’d hoped would be returned.
Even with this open permission it’s hard to see through my disappointment, as if it shrouds everything in a dense mist.
I ask to see through the mist and some of it clears away, but not enough.
I wonder, what else can I do?
A question forms…what are my intentions? Once I’ve accepted and embraced my sadness over the love I did not receive, what am I hoping to experience?
A mysterious answer comes to me in the form of two questions. They echo over and over. Do you feel emptied by this act of overflowing love? And do you feel a need to be refilled?
My quick response is ‘yes’ to both.
I sit back and realize; I have attached strings. Thick, strong, tight strings.
A dawning happens. My disappointment and sadness are present to help guide me to seeing more clearly this inescapable truth about myself.
I am looking outside of myself for love.
I know that I am not alone in this. I see it everywhere I look. It is as if we were taught that we are not enough and need others love to be whole.
Hold still for a moment and see if there is any truth in this for you.
My admission seems earthshaking to me…’I am not enough, therefore, I must be filled by others’. This of course makes me reliant on others, as much as a baby is reliant on its caregivers for its every need.
The analogy is not lost on me, and I wonder how far I have actually grown.
Another question forms…can I find within me an inexhaustible wellspring of love that will forever feed me?
This idea overtakes me and offers to shatter my dependence on others to be filled from their love. This idea guides me to the truth I seek, that I am a part of the divine; whole, complete, and holy. That I am never emptied of love because the divine lives within me. That I am connected to the divine, the infinitely deep, inexhaustible source of love.
I am incredibly joyful to have given myself permission to feel my feelings and to follow them from disappointment and sadness to discovering the truth that I am a part of the source of love.