Category: fear

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Expectations

What do expectations do?

It’s been an intriguing question for me, and I’ve spent a great deal of time considering it. Considering, but not coming to any real conclusions…until today.

Expectations appear to jeopardize my success. They block my progress forward, making it harder to experience what I am hopeful about. They are harmful things because they are projections of an uncertain future and are not easily controllable.

When I create expectations there is a tendency to generalize them, which makes any evaluation of their success difficult. Worse still, I tend to attach my sense of happiness to them.

Expectations also create fear for me. Fear of not experiencing them exactly as I would like.

Often, I have a sense of what my expectations are, but I don’t write them down and recognize them. I don’t take specific actions steps to make them happen. I just expect them to occur on their own because that’s what I want. Truly, a recipe for failure.

I will be the facilitator of a retreat soon and I’m sensing an inner concern about meeting both the groups and my own expectations.

While considering this I feel guided to write down what I expect will happen. I come up with nine items and upon review, I notice that I have absolutely no control over the outcomes for five of the items and only limited control over the other four. I might be able to enhance the chances of meeting some expectations, but this seems entirely uncertain.

I also notice that if I allow my happiness to be conditional on successfully meeting my own and others’ expectations, I will be doomed to failure.

It becomes apparent that there are two key elements involved here. First, my setting any expectations, even if they are specific enough to be recognizable, creates a certain degree of fear. And second, it is evident that I have no real control over what will happen for any participant or for myself, which produces even more fear in me.

That’s when a beautiful thing happened.

I realize that in all cases, fear serves as a divine messenger for me. In this case it creates legitimate clarity because it brings home the message that neither setting expectations nor controlling outcomes is where I want to focus my attention.

Recognizing my fear allows me to widen my view, to take notice and to shift my awareness from what I can’t do to what I can do.

I can’t meet all of my own expectations nor those of others because I don’t have control over any outcomes. Life is too complex and fluid for that. And I can’t guarantee my happiness when it is tied to achieving all of my expectations. My vested interest if just too strong.

I can however release my perceived need for setting or accomplishing any expectations. I can embrace being present in each moment, realizing there is inherent value in simply loving myself and others and going with the flow of life.

When I am ‘in the moment’ and fully engaged I can be vested in the creation of depth of connection with and for others and myself. That’s when I experience joy and for me that’s what this world is all about.

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Paradox to Paradise

If I asked you, could you define or give me an example of a ‘paradox’?

It’s interesting to me that we can often recognize a paradox when we hear it but aren’t able to explain why it’s a paradox. According to one internet source, a paradox has three key elements or aspects. First, it is a statement that contradicts itself. Second, it seems absurd and third, it points out the absurdity of life.

My post title begins with paradox but implies a movement to paradise. We may all have our own definitions for the word ‘paradise’ but I’m going to suggest we start from a common point, that paradise represents an ideal place or state of being.

So, you may be wondering, how do these connect and why would I spend time writing a post about them. Good question.

I’d like to share two examples and hopefully they will provide the answer.

When I mention the word, ‘failure’, what comes to mind? Perhaps it’s something you’ve experienced in your life, in the past or something happening right now.

A common understanding of failure is that we don’t reach our objective, however we’ve defined it. Or maybe it’s how someone else has defined it. They may have placed demands on us, and we were unable to meet their expectations. Often, failure is challenging because there are so many potential opportunities for it to occur and it may become overwhelming to continue our pursuit of success.

I’d like to invite you to consider shifting your attention and your view of ‘failure’. What if you altered your concept and embraced the idea that failure, is the absence of trying? That failure has nothing to do with any outcome, so that you are free from any expectations of success.

What if you gave yourself permission to TRY, recognizing that it may or may not work out exactly as you plan, and accept whatever outcome occurs? In this way, ‘failure’ has a built-in freedom.

Seems like a paradox to me which leads to a paradise of freedom.

The other example I’d like to offer is, ‘fear’.

I’m quite sure I needn’t provide you with any illustrations of fear. I believe we all know intimately about fear and its impact on us.

One of fears hallmarks is that it prevents us from living our lives to the fullest. It can overshadow, overwhelm, intimidate, riddle us with intense feelings and stop us in our tracks. Fear disguises itself, masquerading as seeming logical statements, but its intent is always the same…to prevent us from moving forward and living a satisfying life.

There is another way to view fear. We can shift our perspective and claim a new concept, one that can dramatically alter our outcomes.

How?

By seeing fear as a source of power. I suspect that each of us has felt the enormous power fear manifests. If we shift our understanding, we can harness fear’s power and use it to our advantage. I’d like to suggest that we consider that fear exists to provide us with a valuable message. If we allow it, the message can show us how we would benefit by changing direction. Fear can serve as an energetic motivation to give us the drive we may need to improve our lives.

Seen in this way, fear becomes a divine messenger, offered to us to assist in moving the direction we most cherish.

Feels like another paradox to me and one which can certainly lead to paradise, if that is what we choose.

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The Power of Choice

Do you believe that you have a choice?

Not everyone does believe this. They maintain that they are limited and although they may at times have a choice, they don’t always. They believe that there are defined limits that cannot be exceeded.

I wanted to know where I stood on this question, so I began exploring this idea of choice. I wondered how far I might be able to go with my ability to make choices.

Could I for instance, decide in advance, how something could or would turn out?

One thing I discovered early in this process was that if internal fears were present, I felt very limited. I found that fear very effectively blocked my way forward. It didn’t matter which fear was present, they all seemed to have the same effect.

I also encountered an interesting dimension to fear. It has an amazing ability to alter reason. Despite the presence of facts, fear has the uncanny ability to sidestep them and create projected outcomes, some of which don’t even make sense, but appear very believable.

I wondered how do I, how does anyone move beyond this, once fear is present?

A voice appears inside me offering an answer. As usual, it is Lia’s voice (an ethereal feminine voice of god that comes to me whenever I have questions I’d like answered).

She offers this simple solution, “You just decide. That’s what you are always doing. You make a choice and then take action steps.”

Sounds easy enough. But then it occurs to me that there are many different kinds of choices, and they feel different to me, making me wonder if her solution applies across the board.

There are subconscious choices (my default choices), conscious choices (that I make either proactively or reactively), spontaneous choices (made immediately in the moment) and, at least for me, spiritual blueprint choices (ones I just ‘know’ are a part of my path).

Lia reacts saying, “As you explore the world of choices, it is helpful to keep in mind that nothing happens TO you. You are not the victim in any experience. All things that happen, happen THROUGH you. Everything is a part of your spiritual blueprint (those events you came to earth to experience), and each serves you, either directly (moving you forward) or indirectly (pointing your way forward by sharing that they are not the way).”

That statement was going to take me a minute to absorb.

I ended up telling Lia that I could use some additional clarification, so she went on to say, “There is a wealth of possible choices, and they exist inside your mind. Some of these you view as threats. You extrapolate these threats (fears) and create ideas in your mind which you ‘believe’ are true, but they are just ideas (thoughts), and you have the choice whether to believe them or not. No thought has any true independent power. They receive their power only if you choose to believe them. Without this power they are empty.”

This all made sense to me, especially as I brought to mind some of the idiotic fears I’ve created over the years.

Her wisdom continued, “Rather than focus on your thoughts created by your fears, it will benefit you richly to realize that you have other choices you can make, ones that do serve you.”

She went on to encourage me to find a way of shifting.

Here’s what I came up with. “I release any choice I do not wish to experience and embrace (choose) those I do wish to experience. I acknowledge my perfect freedom to do this now and at all times.”

Letting go of my fear thoughts allows me to shift and choose thoughts that directly serve me, ones that bring love and joy into my life. It’s a constant kind of thing, but I now feel equipped to make good choices and experience life in a positive way.

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How to Compost Your Fears

Would you like to continue our journey together into a greater understanding of how to compost your fears and turn them into fertile soil to enrich your life?

Note: This Post is a continuation of my post, How to Compost Your Fears, part one from January 16, 2022. If you haven’t had a chance to read it yet, you may want to do so before moving ahead with this post.

So, it’s been four days and it’s time to find out what’s happened to the fears we placed inside our composting containers. I’m curious about what sort of breakdown and changes have been happening while we’ve been away having a good time.

I imagine that your contents and mine may appear very different. Since the only contents I can see are my own, I’ll describe them, and you can see if some of the same things happened to yours.

Before I do, I have to admit that I have some preconceived notions about fear. My sense has been that fears intention is to take something away from me. To somehow make me less, which can create a good deal of anxiety. Over time, I’ve come to a new realization, that this is not the only way to view the role of fear. I’ve discovered it’s possible to shift my attitude and see fear as a divine messenger whose intention is to give something to me to help guide me toward my best life.

A second concern about fear centers around my perceived inability to control outcomes. Ordinarily I want things to turn out a certain way and consider any other result to be unsatisfactory. This generates a tendency toward worst case scenarios and a fear of failure. At times my awareness kicks in and I recognize this isn’t what I really think, but what others have told me, which creates incentive on my part to shift and change directions.

Okay, back to my compost container. When I pried off the lid and peered inside, I discovered the contents had separated into layers, with the lighter pieces (not seeing smiles or being able to hug others, appearing foolish and feeling small) on top and the denser pieces (feeling unsafe, unworthy and a failure) on the bottom.

I realized that not all fears have the same effect on me but that it is still essential to acknowledge each one and be open to its message, rather than ignore them or pretend they don’t exist. I found that each fear offers its own insight and as I embrace it the fear I once experienced is released.

Maybe you are like me and need examples to make sense of the world.

Here is one of the dense fears I experience fairly often. The fear of being unworthy or unloved. I’m not saying it is based on any reality, but that’s one of fears hallmarks, because it only has to appear real to be a problem.

When this happens to me now, I try to come to a full stop and acknowledge the fear I’m feeling and remind myself that I have the power to take action. I have free will and can make any choice I claim. I can find a great self-help book, talk with a friend or counselor or, as I usually do, have a conversation with god.

Whichever I choose, my aim is to shift my level of awareness and recognize the deeper truth that my sense of feeling unworthy or unloved results from seeing myself as separate from god and others. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I’ve come to believe that fear lies underneath all things and shows through every time I need to be reminded of the truth, that I am a part of the divine and connected to everyone else here on earth and that I am loved and cared for and that there is always an answer available to me.

I remind myself that avoidance of fear is not the answer and that although it may seem counterintuitive, opening myself to fear and embracing its message enlightens me and robs fear of its power over me.

No matter what your contents look like or how they feel, know that you have the innate ability to release any of your fears and discover the divine message(s) they came to bring you.

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How to Compost Your Fears

Recently I was thinking about the whole composting issue and whether I wanted to be a part of this revolution. In the middle of my research a thought occurred to me. Might it be possible to compost my fears in the same way I compost my left-over food scraps?

Before I continue, I want to share that this is a two-part post, the first part today and the second part on Thursday, January 20, 2022.

When I began my research, I only had a vague idea about the process of composting. Maybe you already know a great deal, but in case you don’t, here’s a little background that might be helpful.

The whole idea revolves around combining decomposing plant and food waste and other organic materials. The end result is a mixture rich in plant nutrients and beneficial organisms that can be used to fertilize and improve soil.

In other words, you are able to grow really good stuff with it.

What happens in the process is that everything is combined and placed in a sealed container and left alone. It just sits there, waiting and doing its thing. Really, it couldn’t get much easier.

So, what I’m wondering is, what if I handed you a container and told you that you could place all your fears inside and seal it shut in the hopes that what came out of it at the end of the process would be rich, fertile soil for your life. Would you do it?

And if you did, what fears would you place in the container? What are you holding onto right now that would feel wonderful to release from your life?

I know this is something I would benefit from doing, so here’s my list.

I am afraid of feeling small and not pushing myself beyond my careful limits. I fear that others may not find worth in what I write and therefore, in me. I am afraid to appear foolish. I fear that I might lose this game of life somehow. I have fear and concern about the future and that as I age, my physical wellbeing will deteriorate. I am afraid for the health of those I love, especially during these troublesome times. I have fear that our world will never return to what is was before COVID and I won’t be able to see others beautiful smiles and hug them. I am afraid that we won’t listen well enough to the earth and to each other. And ultimately, I am afraid of both failure and success, but for very different reasons.

This is just a partial list. It’s what came to me just now. I imagine your list may be very different from mine, but what might be the same is how it feels to each of us deep inside. We may have different names but the same sense of fear.

Okay, let’s imagine that you decide to give this a try. First, spend a minute or two and create a list of your fears and concerns by acknowledging them and placing them one by one in your imaginary composting container. Once they’re all in there, snug the lid on top and push it firmly down sealing it shut.

In the silence I hear you asking me this question, “now what?”

Now you leave them in there and go do whatever fun things appeal to you. Take a walk, play a sport, workout, paint, read, anything you find relaxing.

In a few days we’ll see what’s happened to your fears, but for now I want to share what the world might be saying to us about this approach.

In all likelihood it’s telling us that absolutely nothing is going to happen and that the whole idea is ridiculous. This is how the world often speaks to us, as if it’s invested in the continuation of our pain.

But here’s some very good news, we don’t have to listen to the world. We are not required to pay attention and can always choose our own path. That’s what we’ll be doing this coming Thursday, so please join me then.