Tag: insight

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Clarity About (god’s) Role

Do you ever wonder whether (god) is playing a role in your life? And if so, what it is and how it works?

I’ve placed “god” in lower case letters inside a parathesis on purpose. My reason being that the use of capital letters seems to give the impression of distance in the relationship we have with our divine self and creates a formality. I don’t believe either of these things exists.

Over my twenty-five years of intimate, two-way conversations with (god), there is no such thing as distance and certainly no formality, unless I create it for some reason.

We talk regularly and (god) has many voices, all of them sweet and meaningful to me. There is a voice of a loving father (abba), deeply caring mother (na’a), wise brother (yeshiwa) and ethereal, compassionate sister (lia, love in action). And lately there is the emergence of a new voice who is offering me an incredibly rich depth of understanding (essence).

I wonder what (god’s) voice sounds like to you. If it is harsh, judgmental, and dispassionate, I offer you this opportunity to choose differently. To release this sense of (god) and choose a different view, a loving, caring, compassionate view.

I want to invite you to see (god) through my eyes for a moment.

I’m prepared to accept that each of us has received cultural training which has created our set of beliefs, neither inherently ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, but ever present within us.

I’m also prepared to accept that what each of us has absorbed contains a great number of contradictions making it almost impossible to know the ‘truth’ about anything.

One of my biggest questions is what role (god) plays in my life? Perhaps you wonder the same thing. You may even have strongly conflicting feelings, at times sensing (god) is withholding from you or overshadowing your desires.

So, I asked and the voice that belongs to Lia and she answered me. Here is what she told me.

“You can ask for my help with anything, and I will provide it for you. I will never circumvent your free will because it is sacrosanct. I always listen to everything you think and say, and I always have. Please try to understand that you have asked me for many things during the course of your life, many of which are conflicting statements and requests. You do not remember this, but I do. It may seem to you that I am not listening, but this is not the case. I am always listening, always available, always loving you.”

There have been so many times that her words have helped break something open inside of me and this was one of those times.

I understood immediately that she was absolutely correct. I had asked for millions of things during my life, and I realized that many did conflict. How could it even be possible for my wishes and desires to happen since there was no consistency in my asking.

Had I been (god), could I have helped fulfill my requests, when I wanted so many different things? The simple answer was, NO.

I realized that I needed to clean my slate.

Do you remember a toy called an Etch-A-Sketch? You could twist the two knobs and a line would form on the screen. If you were very good, you could make a design and when you wanted to start over, you held a lever on the side and pulled it downward, which completely cleared the screen, returning it to blankness.

Magic. You could now begin anew.

Well, you can do the same thing. You can clear your requests of (god) and start over. You can choose the role you would like (god) to play in your life, and you can decide what you would like help with.

Lia explained to me that it is her fondest desire to assist me in all things. Listening to her words I came to understand that for me to experience what I say I desire I must be consistent and unambiguous. It is only then that she can aid me since there is a clarity to my thoughts, feelings, and requests.

I am so grateful for her presence in my life and her words of wisdom.

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Grandchildren Teachers

I confess, I thought I would be the teacher when it came to interacting with my grandchildren. But spending time with them has enlightened me and I have come to realize it is I who have much to learn from them.

Recently, my youngest granddaughter, Tessa, who is about to turn four, and I were in my basement and about to begin painting. My wife had purchased three wooden crabs and a variety pack of acrylic paints. Tessa had her smock on and was ready to go, claiming two of the three crabs and placing them in front of herself. We opened all of the paints and started in. She dipped her brush in and began spreading paint all over her crabs.

I selected my colors and planned out which color would go where and started carefully painting.

Tessa looked down at my crab, then up at me, and with lightning speed swiped her orange paint laden brush across my crab’s face and laughed. I was totally surprised. Then she took her blue paintbrush and did the same thing. She starred up at me to see what I would do.

I knew in that instant that it would matter a great deal to her what action I chose, so I laughed ‘with’ her and told her how beautiful my crab now looked.

I know that three- and four-year-old’s think that everything is theirs and that they are free to explore their world in any way they choose. What a valuable lesson for me to remember. I can shift my view of confined expectations and limited choices and encourage myself to expand and explore and have FUN.

When my grandson Evan, who was three years old at the time, and I were in the car together on one of our outings, he called to me from the backseat, “Bompa (his pet name for me), could you put two hands on the steering wheel, you’re making me nervous.”

I swear it’s true, even at three, he was a back-seat driver.

I was taken aback by his comment. Really?

As I thought about it, it became apparent to me that not only was he in touch with his feelings, but he was also able to express them openly and honestly. What a terrific role model for me.

I assured him I would do better and grabbed the steering wheel with both hands. This apparently pleased him because I could hear his little voice saying, “that’s better.”

Because of this simple gesture on his part, I’ve tried to pay attention to my actions and how they could be affecting him. And I’ve tried to be more honest with myself about what I’m feeling and share it with others, so they know and don’t have to guess why I’m doing the things I do or acting in a certain way.

After retiring I was able to assist with babysitting our oldest granddaughter, Kirsten, who was almost four at the time. She would come to our house and stay for the day until her mom picked her up after work.

I decided that Kirsten and I would embark on grand adventures together and set aside an empty journal to keep track of the things that we did. I told her we could do any project she wanted and if I didn’t have the right materials, we’d go to the store and get them.

One of our first experiences was making soft pretzels from a box mix and having them for a ‘second breakfast’. All went well with the mixing and baking process, and we managed to not make too big a mess. I came up with an idea she liked, and we made frosting to cover the pretzels as an extra touch. They were so GOOD.

While eating I said that I was thirsty and got up to get myself a drink. Kirsten said, “You can get water Grandpa, no one is stopping you.” Later Kirsten said to my wife, “Grandma, Grandpa is an interesting man.”

Kirsten’s journal is now over 230 pages long and is filled with memories we share. She has taught me about the value of spontaneity, courage, creativity, curiosity and so much more.

My life has been blessed by my relationships with each of these beautiful light beings and I look forward to everything that is yet to come with them.

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Any Open Window

I find it mysterious that there are certain defining moments that have occurred in my life without my notice. An event will happen, and I’ll have an awareness that something of value is present but without connecting any dots, I fail to recognize its importance to me.

And yet, under the surface of my life, a switch has turned ‘on’ or turned ‘off’. I’ve learned that these switches create default settings inside me and that every time a similar event occurs, my auto settings generate my response.

I’d like to think I am more in control than that, but most of the time I’m not.

I’d like to share an example with you and maybe it will trigger something inside you that will provide clarity or insight.

A small warning. This does require a bit of bravery, but the reward is so worth it. When you recall events in your life, please allow yourself to be strong enough to know you will be okay. Better than that, you may find a treasure of great worth that you can keep for the rest of your life.

When I was young (perhaps 9-12 years old) my parents would tell my sister and me that we were going for a car ride. There would be no discussion about where we were going nor how long we would be away. And, we were given no choice about participating, so we got in the car and off we went.

My parents immensely enjoyed driving and within minutes we were in the country and traveling rural backroads. This was a ‘hobby’ for them and a torture for my sister and me, held captive in the backseat.

To get an accurate picture of this experience, here’s what would happen. We would slow down every time we came within sight of a house, and they would begin their conversation about what they would do with the property if they owned it. Mind you, the houses we looked at were decrepit run-down disasters. Broken windows, doors off hinges, partially collapsed walls, roofs caved in disasters. I am not kidding!

The worst part was I thought they were serious. They sounded serious and my father being an architect, I knew he could eventually resurrect the shambles we looked at.

At my age, this was a traumatic situation and without consciously realizing it, a big switch clicked ‘on’ inside me. The switch label read something like this: you have no real choice (only they do), you will likely be forced to move (not being able to take care of myself), no friends will ever be able to find you or visit you (no matter what your parents tell you), you will be isolated (at least until you go away to college) AND, you cannot trust your parents to be concerned about your feelings (they are not considering the impact of this ‘game’ on you).

I found that this switch was connected to another switch. The label on this one read: since you are going to be isolated (you had better become self-reliant), since they may force you to live in the country (you need to become resourceful), AND since they have no regard for your feelings about moving (you have a decision to make about how much trust you will give to them).

Of course, all of this was happening below the surface of my awareness, but it set the stage for what was to come in my life and my feelings of not being ‘safe’ here.

It was only recently that I offered myself the opportunity to revisit these parental outings. Some part of me knew there were truths to discover. The first one to appear was that I was never meant to rely solely on my parents, nor on myself, for that matter. A greater truth shined forth about my true nature. It is something I wished I knew then.

I am part of the divine and am always loved and connected, cared for, and protected and SAFE. I am inseparable from my divine nature and can communicate at all times. When I do this, I feel whole again and when earthly disappointments and challenges come my way, I reach out and talk with the sacred within me. I open my heart, mind, and spirit to be filled with love, for love is the treasure.

And I allow all of my switch setting that no longer serve me to go out any open window, released and set free. I am only captive if that is what I believe.

Fortunately, it is not what I believe, nor is it something you need to believe. We are always free to connect with our divine, sacred, inside self where all answers reside.

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Precious Hearts

I’d like to share something personal to me. That sounds kind of funny to me since these posts are all personal to me.

What I mean is that I recently wrote a poem as a way of ‘feeling my feelings’, which is a profoundly personal experience. In my earlier life I would not permit myself to go very deeply into this adventure, but I now see the wisdom of it.

Here is the poem that came through me.

precious hearts

i want to know

what is love

made of

i wonder

who can tell me

can you

is it possible

that it can be said

with words

or

is it only possible to be felt

with the heart

i wonder

who do I have to be

to understand

how one comes

to feel loved

we are not always

kind to each other

we bend

in the wrong places

and snap

and sometimes

our dreams shatter

into broken pieces

and our hopes

fall by the wayside

left strewn

on deserted roads

when these things happen

how are we to know

we are loved

i want to tell you

what I have found

i have found one

who answers

my questions

a divine one

a collector

of redemptions

a reassembler

of scattered things

one who makes them

whole

a channel

who restores vision

and polishes the mirrors

we use

to see ourselves

a truth teller

who hears

all that we have not

given voice to

i have found

a divine one who listens

to our stories

but

does not believe them

for the divine one knows

they are just

stories

perhaps

the truth is

the divine one

found me

and felt my wounded

heart

and

sang a new song

into me

i believe

the divine one

can do the same

for you

if

you open your precious heart

and

ask to be filled

with love

I hope you find something of value in this and that if you are suffering in any way, that you open your precious heart, so the divine one can sing a new song into you.

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Not Falling

When is the last time you fell? Was it more like a stumble and you caught yourself or did you go down spread-eagle and land flat out?

I’ve fallen several times over the years. The most recent time was down the stairs. Well, I should say, down the last stair. It easily could have been avoided. You see, I was carrying something in my arms and couldn’t see the bottom step. I thought I was at the landing, but no, I still had one more step to go. I lost my balance, dropped what I was carrying and couldn’t recover quickly enough to catch the railing. So…down I went. Of course, I fell on top of what I’d been carrying, to add insult to my injuries.

My fall also created a commotion because my family was concerned and came to discover me at the bottom of the stairs, splayed out and more than a little upset.

Worse still, there were many suggestions about how my fall could have been averted. Yes, I knew that already.

Later when I was calm and reliving my adventure, I realized that had I not been carrying anything or had I arranged what I was carrying so that I could see forward and downward, I would not have fallen. As we used to say when I was a kid, DUH!

So why had I carried this armful of stuff and risked a potential fall?

The best I could come up with was, ‘I didn’t even think about it, I just did it. I picked up the stuff and started down the stairs, assuming all would be well.’

Here’s the thing. Had I arrived safely I would not have had to consider my actions, but because I’d fallen, I needed to see if there was a teaching in my experience.

I strongly believe there is a teaching in every single action in our lives. We are so often blissfully unaware of this, but if we took a moment, we might see there could be truth in it.

Case in point.

I sat back and considered, could it be that the same thing happens to me emotionally? Am I carrying too much with me, making it hard to see where I’m going?

If I am excessively thinking about or stressing over something in my life and allowing it to overwhelm me emotionally, is it possible that it results in my falling?

My answer is an unequivocable ‘yes’.

Is it possible we all do this?

I can certainly see how I can lose my balance and become unsteady when I am worried, angry, overtired, jealous, distracted or any other emotional state.

Some of these are very heavy loads.

Might it not be a wonderful idea to release some or most of what I carry with me, especially those things that block my view? To let go of or set down objects or thoughts or habits which take up so much space?

The world offers us an overabundance of concerns. How many can we carry without losing our balance and falling?

It’s a difficult question to answer.

I also know it’s an important one for me. Perhaps it is for you as well.

I think I would be wise to consider releasing anything that feels too heavy, knowing it could cause me to fall. Here’s just one example.

There are those in my world who believe I should stay informed. I should read the paper, follow a news feed on my phone or watch the evening news, so that I stay abreast of world events. They don’t seem to understand the cost of this to me. I feel deeply for what others are going through and it weighs on me, heavily. It overwhelms me and pushes me out of balance emotionally and spiritually. And the truth is, there is little, if anything I can do to remedy the world’s situations.

I must choose what to carry with me and what to set aside. If I want to live a beautiful life, I benefit from paying attention to what I am carrying and whether it allows me to stay balanced.

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Conversations with Past and Future Selves

Would you like an opportunity to speak with yourself, either from the past or the future? To have things revealed to you, to make your life easier or to offer you a chance to avoid pitfalls.

That’s the question that came to me recently.

The event that created this was the purchase of a new bed for our upstairs bedroom. In order to make space I needed to relocate all the storage bins I’d shoved under the old bed. I’d really packed them in and basically only had a vague idea what they contained.

I made myself a promise to sort through every bin and make decisions regarding what was worth keeping and what needed to be thrown away.

My discoveries were very enlightening. There were all sorts of interesting things covering several different time periods in my life, some from college, some from my early working years and a few things that were more recent.

I found a lot of journals I’d written and decided to leaf through a few. I was struck by the life events that concerned me at the time I wrote them, some of which remain with me today, while others have long since been resolved.

A question popped up.

I wondered how my life would have changed if the ‘current me’ could go back and have a conversation with the ‘past me’. What could I have learned? And would I have listened and changed course?

I’m not sure.

Some part of me believes I wouldn’t have paid attention, and gone ahead and made the same decisions, despite the sound advice I received.

I don’t know about that either.

What would you have done; listened or ignored your ‘future self’? It’s an interesting question to kick around. Certainly, I’d have liked to avoid many of the problems in my life and taken an easier route.

But would I really?

The reason I ask is, would I still be the same person that I am today if I’d made different choices? And if I had, what would the consequences have been? Suppose the advice given me by my ‘future self’ altered the decisions I made that led me to a new friend, or a better job, or a wise investment?

How can anyone know the right path to take so that they experience the outcomes they most desire?

Something twisted during my musing about this.

I wondered, what would my life be like if the ‘current me’ could talk with the ‘future me’?

What if that were possible? What questions would I ask?

A few came to me quickly. How long will I live? Will I lose those closest to me? What will my day-to-day life be like? Will the New York Giants ever win another Super Bowl?

I sat with all of these questions and more for a while before deciding that I don’t really want to know.

I think it would spoil the surprise. And I think it would change every moment of my ‘current life’ because I’d be thinking about the ‘future me’.

I also think my life would lose its spontaneity, its spark, and its sparkle.

So, despite how much I might learn, I would choose just to wave to my ‘past’ and ‘future’ selves from a distance and go on about living my ‘current’ life.

We can still be friends, but for now, I choose to live in my present moment.

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Why Are You Here

I’d like to propose a radical idea for you to consider.

Here it is.

You are here to experience JOY.

Sure, I know that sounds crazy. You could say to me, look around, don’t you see what’s happening these days? It’s a fractured world. There’s climate change, political upheaval, war and the resulting horrors, drastic economic shifts.

You could ask me; how do you expect me to be happy and feel joyful?

And then you could say to me…are you mad?

Part of me is likely to respond that I can’t find much joy in this life either. I have my own list of prohibitions to joy and a host of prerequisites before I will allow myself to honestly answer that I feel any ongoing sense of joy.

But another part of me refuses to give up on this idea. It asks me to look deeper within myself and reveal a greater truth than what appears on the surface.

Yes, I see the challenges. I feel the pressures to perform, to possess, to acquire, to say out loud that I am happy and fulfilled. I fully sense my limits, physically, emotionally, financially, and mentally. And they weigh a ton. I know they do.

I’ve come to recognize that so much of what I see in the world is driven by fear and it forces me to ask the question over and over again…why am I here?

There is a strong part of me that wants to know my answer, or is it answers?

Each time this happens, some sort of list appears, as if completing it will provide satisfaction, a sense of completeness or elemental clarity for me.

It hasn’t. It doesn’t.

Maybe the same thing happens to you. Maybe you also associate ‘what you do’ with ‘who you are’, so that the more you accomplish, the better you can feel about yourself. Maybe you too seek to answer the question of why you are here with specific goals you set and meet. And perhaps you are just as unsatisfied with this approach as I am.

Perhaps you are ready for a shift in perspective. And maybe it will take something radical to make this happen.

Well, here’s something you may want to consider. Since fear doesn’t work, how about trying love?

The love I’m talking about is expressed through a genuine sense of joy. I’m not speaking about happiness, which can be fleeting and easily overcome by the world. Instead, I’m speaking about a profound inner belief that we are each here to experience and express joy.

What does that mean?

My personal answer is that it will be different for each person because what brings joy to one is not the same as what brings joy to another.

Then how is joy found?

Here’s a shocker. I don’t believe joy can be ‘found’, because this implies it is OUTSIDE of us, hidden somewhere, waiting to be discovered.

What feels like the truth to me is that joy is INSIDE each of us and is revealed when we center on love.  I see that fear is only a messenger and it guides by showing us what does not work, but it cannot tell us why we are here, because only love can do that.

So, what is the radical path I am suggesting?

It will take a little time, but it will be worth it. I promise.

It starts like so many other paths, with breathing in and out slowly, deeply, quietly, allowing your body to relax. It starts by closing your eyes and letting the world fade away, and then opening your heart and saying ‘yes’ to going deeper inside yourself (your self) and asking what brings out the joy in you? What makes you feel the most alive? I suggest the answer to these questions are also the answers to why you are here.

I’ll share some of my joys to get you started…I am here to help others find their own path. I am here to speak my truth (each of my books and these website posts are my attempts to share with you). I am here to connect deeply with family and friends, and to both give and receive love. I am here to get lost in the beauty of the natural world and I am here to live as an extension of the divine for as many days as I walk this earth.

If you give yourself some time, I believe you will reveal the truth about why you are here and how joy creates the spark for all things to happen in your life.

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Resurrection of Love

This is a companion to my previous post, One Path to Love.

On Good Friday in 2018 I spent three hours, from noon until 3:00pm, standing, sitting, and walking around the sanctuary of Unity Church in Albany (NY) with the hope that I would be able to connect spiritually and come to a greater understanding of the events surrounding Easter.

I sensed a strength, peace and clarity and felt a ‘knowing’ arrive within me, as if I were present during that time. It felt intimate and real, and I wanted very much to capture each of the stories so that they could be shared with the world. Over the next several weeks I received the words you are about to read. But more than the words, I received the beauty, grace and Yeshiwa’s (Jesus’s) loving heart that was and is the center of each of these stories. The full text appears in my book, Nine, a Holy Week Story of Love.

I do not ask you to believe me. I ask only that you read the words and let them reveal to you what truth they have to share.

This part of the story tells of an encounter between Yeshiwa and Mary Magdalen at Yeshiwa’s burial site following his resurrection.

Chapter Eight: Resurrection (excerpt)

Yeshiwa’s narrative:

I watched from afar as the one I loved most sought after me. She approached the tomb where I had been laid, trembling with fear. Fear that I had been taken and would be lost to her forever.

She touched my burial linens, so lovingly placed upon me by Joseph after I’d been taken from the cross. She traced every impression and quietly sang a sweet song to the memory of me.

One of my angels came and spoke to her asking her, “Why do you seek the living among the dead?”

His garments shown with brilliance, and she fell back away from him. Then gathering herself, she said, “I am searching for my master. I wish to honor and anoint him. Please, if you know where he is, please tell me.”

The angel’s heart opened to her, and he said, “Fear not, for all is well. Your master has risen, as he told you he would. Go and seek, so that you may find him.”

She left, her heart quickening and her love revived. And she came and found me, and we held each other’s gaze and she said to me, “Oh beloved, I was so afraid. I remembered your words to us, yet still did not believe you would return. Please forgive my faithlessness. You know my love for you, and you know my great joy at seeing you, you the most precious gift to us all.”

“Mary,” I said, “there is no need for forgiveness. You have wronged no one, least of all, me. Come to me, heart of my heart.”

And she came and we embraced. As we parted, I gently held her face in my hands and looked into her eyes and placed the wholeness of my love deeply into her heart and because it was her greatest desire, she came fully awake.

I spoke to her, “My beloved, it is yours now, to teach as I have taught. To sow ripe seeds among the many. To guide the sheep and the shepherds. To you I have given the keys to the kingdom, that all might inherit everlasting life. Know that my love for you is eternal, remember me in each moment and in each breath.”

She gazed at me, and tears fell from her eyes and down her cheeks. “I will do as you ask. I will be mother to all and servant wherever I stand. I will feel you in each moment and remember you in each breath, you my master and beloved.”

“Go now and tell the others. Tell them I will meet them on the road. Remind them of my words and my promises and my love for them.”

She leaned back into me and softly said, “It will be done as you ask. I will tell them, and their hearts will rejoice.”

Then Mary and the others with her departed, running, that they might bring my good news to all who loved me.

—

These words show the love between Yeshiwa and Mary and the bond they shared. While channeling them, I was surrounded by their love and knew beyond any earthly knowing that this love belongs to every one of us. Freely given, offered with no expectations or demands. Ours without exception.

I hope that within these words there is something of value for you, something worth keeping for the rest of your life.

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Dementia’s Song

I’d like to share a very personal story with you, one that may resonate with your life experiences if you know someone with dementia.

No doubt this condition takes many routes. Some happen quite quickly. Others occur in a slow ebbing spiral, descending almost without notice, until one day the stark differences become painfully obvious.

It demands a very high emotional price, certainly from the one personally experiencing it, but also from those surrounding them. Watching the progression can be numbing, knowing there is so little that can be done.

Each person living through the changes must face their own emotional challenges, which of course are impacted by physical, mental, financial, and spiritual concerns.

I’m guessing that no two experiences are alike, but that there can be help and healing through sharing. That’s why I’m writing this post. I cannot know what assistance it may provide, but saying it here helps me and I hope it opens some doors for you.

Recently I awoke at 4:30 in the morning with a poem inside my mind, waiting for release, asking to be written. I hadn’t been expecting it, and yet it was there. So, I rose and wrote it down and felt a strong urge to put it into the world.

Here it is.

Dementia’s Song

I hope she knows me today.

My mother sits in her chair.

More than half faded from this life.

I cannot tell if she knows me.

And her stare gives nothing away.

I am left to wonder.

Is any part of her still here with me?

Once so sharp.

Now

With so few words.

Is there any promise for tomorrow

Or is that hope gone,

Like the sun winking out

At the end of the day

On the far horizon?

I wonder

Can I surrender

This fantasy inside of me

That I have any control

Over her staying?

I wonder too

Will her love remain

Here with me

When she finally leaves?

Perhaps that is for my heart to decide.

I want it to be so.

I hope she knows me today.

This was written after I’d visited my mom only to discover she didn’t seem to know me anymore. It left me fully disoriented, my world upside down. How could we have had such a good interactive conversation just the day before? Hours ago, that’s all, just a few hours.

I watch her trying to assemble words into sentences. The words will not come. They are like a skittish kitten hiding under a bed. The more you try to coax them to come out, the further they retreat from you.

Something obvious occurs to me.

I have no control. I cannot do anything to change this. I feel helpless.

And another thing occurs to me. Perhaps she feels the exact same way.

I wonder, how am I to deal with this?

A word shines brightly inside of me, grabbing my attention.

Acceptance.

It doesn’t mean I don’t try to help or be supportive, but it does mean I accept the reality we are experiencing. The wisdom inside this teaches me to accept all outcomes. It alerts me that my suffering is caused by my resistance to accept what is.

It is important for me to feel my feelings, to dive headlong into them, rather than trying to avoid them, even though I know it will be painful. By now, I know that it is far less painful to acknowledge my feelings, rather than a prolonged avoidance or resistance to letting them come into the light.

So, I will try to sit with no expectations and just be with her, accepting what each of us is experiencing and centering in love, as best as I can.

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Losing Friends

Have you ever lost someone important to you?

Is there anyone who could say ‘no’ to this question? I cannot imagine this being the case, unless you are very, very young.

How can we cope with our sense of loss?

I realize everyone is different and no one approach will work for all, but I feel compelled to try to open some kind of door here. Certainly, for myself, but also for you, if that is something you desire.

Like many others, I have experienced a great deal of loss in my life. Some of it in dramatic fashion, some over prolonged time periods, some from a distance, some close up.

During a relatively short period of time, I lost my father, my best friend of forty years, my mother-in-law, two brothers-in-law, a great aunt and my daughter’s family boxer. All these beautiful, incredible beings passed from this life to another, through the arms of death.

Absorbing the emotional impact of these transitions was very challenging for me. I had to recognize this was the truth. I couldn’t hide from the pain or ignore it. I couldn’t rationalize that they were better off leaving their lives here. There was a kind of limbo inside of me that surrounded their passing. A suspended state, leaving me wondering about how we are all connected and whether the connection goes on, despite their physical absence.

I was attempting to find my way through this when another loss occurred. Even though not a brother by birth, I had a deep connection with another and called him my brother, and he died by his own hand. Gone in one second of time. Violent, tragic, and yet completely understandable to me, given his circumstances. In his death I recognized that any form of judgment muddies the water. You cannot know another’s path without being on it yourself.

I also discovered that not all loss is the result of physical death. Friendships die, even long-term ones. And they can be just as painful. All those years melting away into mere memories.

It is easy to become stuck in the sadness and sense of loss. And the pain often extends outward into other areas in your life, sometimes overwhelmingly so.

So, where did my struggles take me?

One direction led me to asking why any of us are here? Is it solely to experience our heart’s breaking?

I believe the truth is that we are not here to subtract from each other’s lives but to add to them.

I bolded that statement because it is that important. Those few words shifted something huge inside of me and offered me a question to ponder.

Who am I now, that they were in my life? What did we share? What did we offer each other?

I feel glory in my answers to these questions.

I feel an awareness of something real and tangible. A sense of beauty and depth and how my life is better, fuller, grander because of them.

I sense that parts of them are now parts of me and I can pass them on to others. Their lives then extend through me, becoming another part of the amazing tapestry that covers this world.

Whatever pain or suffering once existed, can be transformed, if I allow it. If I encourage it. If I embrace it.

If I open and let my feelings run through me and guide them, knowing ‘all is well with the world’, I become free and can remember clearly how beautiful every connection I’ve ever made truly is. All a part of the whole.

When I see my life through this lens I feel blessed.