Helpless

Have you ever encountered a situation where you felt absolutely helpless?

I have.

As a matter of fact, I’m feeling that way right now with my mom in the hospital, having fallen two days ago. Yesterday she had a bad reaction to a medication and when I saw her, I was shocked. Very little about her seemed normal to me and the disparity left me reeling. I tried to make sense of things.

I spoke with her doctor and nurses, looking for some reassurances. I received some but couldn’t reconcile what they said with what I was seeing.

My mind revolted.

I am used to being able to solve problems with and without others help. But, in this case, I felt ill equipped to do anything for my mom.

I’m not comfortable with this at all. It feels like the essence of helplessness to me.

And this feeling fully uncovered my need for control. I’ve become used to having at least some measure of control over my life and the things around me. And yet with this situation, I have none.

In my wisest moments I know this idea of control is a sham. At any given time, my expectations of being in charge can be shattered and reality can overcome me. I am not as helpless as a baby, but in certain situations, I feel like one.

It’s an arresting thought and one that creates deep side effects for me.

My mind struggles and my emotions are in turmoil and my body feels their dramatic effects. I wonder, where is my spirit in all of this?

Will it be a source of strength or just lie dormant?

I know I certainly need it, its healing, its centering, and its grounding wisdom. I need something within myself to hang on to, so that I don’t get swept away.

How do I reach for this, hold this?

I gently ask myself to sit back and breathe. No pattern, just breathe.

I close my eyes and allow the world to slip away and let breathing be enough.

I am all too aware I need help, not only help, but hope. More breathing.

As I breathe, I feel a little space open up inside. And within the space I feel an invitation.

Some inner wisdom comes to sit with me saying, “It’s okay to feel”. Another breath, “It’s okay to feel whatever you are feeling”. Another breath and more words of wisdom, “You are both weakness and strength. You slide along, experiencing it all, wholeness, and helplessness.”

Air moves in and out of me, following this wisdom.

“You don’t always have to be in charge or in control. It’s okay to let others have their turn.”

I’m feeling relaxation wash over me.

A realization takes hold, it’s okay to feel helpless, to be helpless, and like all other things, know that it will fade away and move beyond me.

I breathe this in and out. I can go on how

2 Replies to “Helpless”

  1. I feel I can relate to this helpless feeling.
    I just listened to. a Peña Chodron talk , and I believe she referred to this being a state of groundlessness. Just like it sounds, or the feeling of a rug being pulled from beneath you.
    Yes, I find it does take your breath away and surly leaving me feeling vulnerable and frightened.
    So many outside situations , this covid situation, the war in Ukraine , these times of climbing inflation…. If I go on can feel myself getting panicked and dizzy.
    You are so right , Rob, so important to breathe and breathe and keep breathing.
    Remembering this world and all its contents are changeable and precarious.
    But who we really are is strong and steady and changeless. And always there to break this fall and provide all the strength and support and answers we will ever need.
    And we are each here to lend that support and connect and be here for each other, no matter what.
    And it’s ok to not know the answer .
    And to know all is happening for our highest good, it’s called faith.
    And as you said, this too shall pass, but know we will eventually land in the safe arms of Goodness, always.
    Thanks for your human sharing.
    Another way to connect and not feel alone..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As always, I am so happy to receive your comments and appreciate your wisdom and sharing.
      It’s great to know we’re in this together. Thanks for being along for this magical, mysterious, magnificent ride.

      Liked by 1 person

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