Fatherhood

It’s not often that one of my posts lands on a calendar day of celebration, but it does today, Father’s Day.

It provided me with a chance to pause and reflect about what it means to me to be a father and grandfather. For that matter, I also considered what it means to be a son, in relationship to my own father.

I realize that not everyone has a wonderful relationship with their father. I’m sure there are lots of reasons for this. Conflicts seem inevitable in every relationship and when you add in the father’s and children’s expectations, it can become pretty challenging.

I have a great deal of compassion for those with relationships that have gone off the rails, regardless of the causes. And I hope that enough of the conflicts can be worked out, so that there can be a restored sense of love and caring.

As I thought back about my own life, I came to realize something that surprised me. My first inclination was to think about what a father ‘does’. His active pursuit. How he is directly involved and the proactive steps he takes. The ways he participates in the lives of his children.

But that’s only half of the story to me.

Beyond this ‘active’ portion of fatherhood, there is another aspect that feels extremely important to me. I’ll call it a ‘reflective or responsive’ way of living and relating to one’s children.

I’d like to share some examples with you of things I’ve encountered along the way as a father. I’m not saying that I’ve always done them all or done them well but having a focus and an aim has certainly helped me, and hopefully helped my children.

Most all of them relate to being a good role-model, especially while reflecting and responding.

I start by ask myself whether I am prepared to learn from my children, not just be their teacher? As a father, am I prepared to receive, as well as give, providing space for my children to grow, expand, and exercise their love for me and for others?

Can I be a sponge, soaking up their lives, as they live and pour themselves into the world, sometimes in messy ways?

Can I be the source for tolerance, giving them room to share their own convictions, opinions, and choose their own directions?

Can I help them set a firm foundation, where truth is valued, honesty is exchanged, support is given, listening becomes the key and acceptance is encouraged?

It’s a great and wonderful thing to be a dad. It’s also a huge responsibility because it calls for so much from me. My inner sense of love and devotion is my source of power and I find that it is constantly renewing every time I’m with them or think about them.

I wonder to myself, can I help them soar and watch with delight as they spread their own wings, trying new ideas and changing directions?

Can I hear what they are saying without feeling a need to react from my own life experiences, opinions, and values? Can I accept that they have their own dreams and desires and once I know about these, can I support them, even if I feel differently?

Can I offer guidance without strings attached, so they can embrace what feels right and worthwhile to them, without fearing I will be upset or disagree with their direction and choices?

Can I show love regardless of any decisions they make and keep my heart open, so they know I am always available to them and always love them?

All of these questions are important to me because my children are not here to serve as extensions of me. My children are here to live their own wonderful existence.

The most beautiful part of fatherhood to me, is that I have the opportunity to live side by side with them, joined in love. It truly is a most wonderful gift for me, and I hope it is for them as well.