Biases

I wonder, how many of my biases am I in charge of? Can I escape any of them? Can I blame them on my cultural training or the belief systems I’ve adopted from those who’ve influenced me?

Part of me wants to accept this, but another part responds simply with an old-time expression which dates me, “what a cop out”, which loosely translates as, I’m in charge of my own decisions and can’t blame anything or anyone else. I have to own it.

I don’t like the way I feel when my biases get out of their cages. It rattles me and fills me with a sense of unhappiness.

It’s as if there is some tiny war being fought inside of me, with opposing forces that clash with no clear winner, just a repeating dynamic where one part is upset with a person or action, while another part preaches tolerance and acceptance.

I desperately want to break this cycle, but how?

To begin with, maybe it would be helpful to reframe my aim. Using the word, ‘break’, implies a struggle and I find that when any internal struggling is involved it creates its own challenge, because a part of me seems to know I can’t fix anything while still divided within myself.

I think, maybe I can shift my perspective and find a way to create a collaborative approach, one that seeks a peaceful solution, free from blame or shame. That feels better.

Where to start?

I wonder if it would help me to know where each bias comes from or why I still hold on to them.

I sit back and ponder this.

As with so many other things, I realize that trying to locate the source is a rabbit hole for me, a dead-end that only serves to delay addressing the real issue. Perhaps it works the same way for you.

A better way for me is to ‘head into the storm’ and focus on my bias directly. What are they really saying to me, what are they saying about me.

Why have I accepted some biases as truth? Why do some live inside of me, others do not?

I look at my biases one by one to see if there is some commonality that offers me insight and a way forward. I’m shocked by how unaccepting I can be of others’ behaviors. I didn’t think that kind of intolerance lived inside of me.

But it does.

I try to avoid blaming myself for it, knowing this will not help me or fix anything. In fact, it only complicates matters.

One striking similarity is that my biases represent my desire for others to conform to my belief system and to act the way I think they should.

WHAM! I feel the crushing weight of my word choice…SHOULD. I thought I’d dropped that word from my vocabulary, but no, it popped right out. I tried to retire the word…should…because it implies that there is only one acceptable way to do or see things and I don’t believe that. Given that I am trying to understand my predisposition regarding my own biases, it’s the perfect word to appear. It clearly shows me what I need to see.

All of my biases are about conformity with beliefs I’ve adopted. Whenever I observe actions or behaviors outside my limits, a bias kicks in.

Now I can shift my perspective and can consciously expand my range. I can loosen my hold over beliefs that don’t serve me or others. I can realize that rarely is anyone doing anything TO me. They’re just living their own lives, based on their own choices and it’s not necessary or helpful for me to have or exercise an opinion about their choices. Even more to the point, I don’t know what their life is like and have no reasonable basis for forming any opinions about them.

One final insight washes over me. It comes in the form of a question…what is the most loving action I can take?

The answer is clear to me. I can love them just as they are. That is certainly something I want to do, so I’m going to refocus my energy and try my best to do just that.